So I was looking around at some different blogs and came across one with the following link...
http://dribbleglass.com/index.html
I looked through a good 50+ billboards and had to stop due to the fact that I was doubled over in pain from laughing so hard.
Enter at your own risk. Mwa ha ha ha ha
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Friday, December 23, 2005
Stupid is as stupid does
Okay so I was up and around when my mom left for work this morning. Normally she leaves by 6:15, but this morning she was late and left about 7:30. So she called me as soon as she got out to the car to ask if I could bring out her travel mug that she forgot on the counter. No problem. Now, I'm a native Minnesotan so when I have to make a quick trip outside, I sometimes don't even bother putting something on my feet. I honestly didn't even consider putting something on my feet this time. Like when we lived in a house and I had to go out and check the mail, I'd go barefoot. Afterall, I'm not gonna get frostbite after a few seconds on the cold cement.
Sorry, back to the story. So I grab the coffee cup, wedge open the inner door of the building so I can get back in, and rapidly walk outside to her car. Next thing I know, my feet are sliding out from under me and I've landed in a heap on the sidewalk. Now, you have to give me a tiny bit of credit because the sidewalk right there is at an incline so that was counting against me.
I skinned up my knee pretty good and scraped a nice chunk out of the top of my foot (don't ask me how it was the top and not the bottom). I also scratched up my right elbow enough to make it bleed. My mom kept saying she was sorry. Granted, if I hadn't had to bring her coffee cup out to her, I wouldn't have slipped, but if I hadn't been stupid and actually had worn something on my feet, it most likely wouldn't have happened. And, if it had, it wouldn't have been as severe a fall.
So...yeah. Had a nice ten minute clean-up job to do. Antibacterial soap on open, bleeding wounds doesn't feel all that great, but hey, I'm a masochist so I didn't mind it so much. Fortunately my knee has stopped bleeding for the most part, but my foot is still going. It's very nearly soaked through the big bandaid I put on it.
Well, now that I've made everyone queasy, I'm out.
Ciao
Sorry, back to the story. So I grab the coffee cup, wedge open the inner door of the building so I can get back in, and rapidly walk outside to her car. Next thing I know, my feet are sliding out from under me and I've landed in a heap on the sidewalk. Now, you have to give me a tiny bit of credit because the sidewalk right there is at an incline so that was counting against me.
I skinned up my knee pretty good and scraped a nice chunk out of the top of my foot (don't ask me how it was the top and not the bottom). I also scratched up my right elbow enough to make it bleed. My mom kept saying she was sorry. Granted, if I hadn't had to bring her coffee cup out to her, I wouldn't have slipped, but if I hadn't been stupid and actually had worn something on my feet, it most likely wouldn't have happened. And, if it had, it wouldn't have been as severe a fall.
So...yeah. Had a nice ten minute clean-up job to do. Antibacterial soap on open, bleeding wounds doesn't feel all that great, but hey, I'm a masochist so I didn't mind it so much. Fortunately my knee has stopped bleeding for the most part, but my foot is still going. It's very nearly soaked through the big bandaid I put on it.
Well, now that I've made everyone queasy, I'm out.
Ciao
Friday, November 25, 2005
Moving....again
Well, as the title of this post says, I'm moving again. That'll be four times in eight months. I cannot disclose the location I'm moving to, however. Apparently one of the stipulations of entering the witness protection program is that you have to sever all ties. Fortunately for me, the FBI has no knowledge of this blog so I am free to at least say I'm moving.
Ehhh....screw it. My bodyguards can totally take whoever they send to assassinate me. I'll be moving back to Eagan in a couple weeks to live with my mom and brother. It'll be a tad crowded in a two bedroom apartment, what with my two bodyguards and all, but we'll make it work. Whoever doesn't have night watch will probably sleep on the couch. I don't think he'll complain since it's a pretty comfy couch.
Anyway, I'll probably find a way to sneak out and come to a religious gathering or two every now and then. Thankfully, this'll only be until the trial is over.
Ehhh....screw it. My bodyguards can totally take whoever they send to assassinate me. I'll be moving back to Eagan in a couple weeks to live with my mom and brother. It'll be a tad crowded in a two bedroom apartment, what with my two bodyguards and all, but we'll make it work. Whoever doesn't have night watch will probably sleep on the couch. I don't think he'll complain since it's a pretty comfy couch.
Anyway, I'll probably find a way to sneak out and come to a religious gathering or two every now and then. Thankfully, this'll only be until the trial is over.
LINKIN PARK
"Easier To Run"
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
"Easier To Run"
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Monday, October 17, 2005
I'm not dead...
At least I don't think I am. I know it's been a long time since I last posted, but there's been a lot going on. I moved yet again and at present am working out of town again. It's the same job i was doing when I first started this blog. I know people have been telling me that I need to work somewhere other than SuperAmerica and actually use my creativity, but I'd much rather be doing that in the cities than all the way out in stickville. Right now, I'm at home, but I go back later this evening.
Anyways, I've been dealing with a lot of crap and one major thing right now is summed up by the following song lyrics...
Artist: Kelly Clarkson
Album: Breakaway
Title: Behind These Hazel Eyes
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
When I moved this last time, one of my ex roommates told my best friend her side of the situation surrounding my abrupt departure from that household. The next time I saw him, he kinda got on my case about it without even asking me for my side of things. That hurt. Just because they'd recently dated for a few months, he took her side instead of listening to me; the friend he'd had for over 4 years. I didn't think of this as too big of a deal until I recently saw him (after about three months of no contact; not for lack of trying on my part, though) . As I was leaving, the above song came on the radio and it hit me like two tons of bricks. I wanted to cry. In fact, I started to, but then I just got angry and hurt.
I know some people say time travel is impossible, but I disagree. Because I feel as if I've been transported back over 4 years. I haven't been to church in over three months, I've started to lose the ease of letting go and letting myself cry, I'm more cyinical, I'm back to cutting a lot, and I've been a little more depressed and suicidal lately. The sad part is, in all this time, only one person has called me to see how I've been and wants to get together with me. It's a little disappointing, but I can't say I'm all that surprised. (That's cynicism right there, people.)
Anyway, I'm done ranting and complaining right now.
dreamer
Anyways, I've been dealing with a lot of crap and one major thing right now is summed up by the following song lyrics...
Artist: Kelly Clarkson
Album: Breakaway
Title: Behind These Hazel Eyes
Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
When I moved this last time, one of my ex roommates told my best friend her side of the situation surrounding my abrupt departure from that household. The next time I saw him, he kinda got on my case about it without even asking me for my side of things. That hurt. Just because they'd recently dated for a few months, he took her side instead of listening to me; the friend he'd had for over 4 years. I didn't think of this as too big of a deal until I recently saw him (after about three months of no contact; not for lack of trying on my part, though) . As I was leaving, the above song came on the radio and it hit me like two tons of bricks. I wanted to cry. In fact, I started to, but then I just got angry and hurt.
I know some people say time travel is impossible, but I disagree. Because I feel as if I've been transported back over 4 years. I haven't been to church in over three months, I've started to lose the ease of letting go and letting myself cry, I'm more cyinical, I'm back to cutting a lot, and I've been a little more depressed and suicidal lately. The sad part is, in all this time, only one person has called me to see how I've been and wants to get together with me. It's a little disappointing, but I can't say I'm all that surprised. (That's cynicism right there, people.)
Anyway, I'm done ranting and complaining right now.
dreamer
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Sorry
Okay, so it's been almost a month since I last posted. I guess the car accident threw me for more of a loop than I realized. I've been really lax about staying in touch with people. I've been meaning to get together with a really good friend of mine, but every time he calls I'm in the middle of getting ready for work or actually being at work and I haven't called him back yet. He's called like four times in the past week. I totally suck!
Anyway, I'm moving again. This time it's to Lauderdale, MN. It's by the State Fair grounds. I'm gonna be sharing a room with the coolest woman on earth and our other roommate seems like she'll be pretty cool, too. She's good friends with the girl I'm sharing the room with. Even though I'm really excited about moving, it's still kinda scary. I kinda know the general area, but not at all compared with South Minneapolis. I'll also be taking two totally new busses to get to work. That's a little nerve wracking. But, it'll be good I think.
On a different note, I'm so tired of working. Well, not totally tired, but it's irritating that I have to interrupt a good day of relaxing and doing nothing to go to work. I mean, I know I gotta eat and pay rent and all, but c'mon! My co-workers are pretty cool, though. Also, work is never that dull. The other day (I wasn't working), my co-worker David had to close two hoursearly cuz two guys were brawling in the store. I work at Super America and, for those who aren't familiar with it, we have what's called a fountain drink machine. It's basically a pop machine like they have at McDonalds and Subway and such. Anyway, one guy was bashing the other guy's head into it. According to David there was blood all over it. Now, that's not a typical day by any means, but it is rare that we get a day where nothing happens. Usually it's just drunks getting rude and ornery or people getting pissed off at us for some reason or other and cussing us out. So...um...yeah.
Anyway, I'm finally working noon to 8pm. Hopefully there'll be no more 4pm to midnight shifts for me. I despise that shift. That's when people are the most ornery. I'm also really, really glad that I have the day off tomorrow. Granted, I can't sleep in cuz I have to be at the chiropractor at 10am, but I can always take a nap in the afternoon.
I found out that insurance will cover chiropractic appointments for a while. Amber has been going to the chiropractor since she was like 8 years old and so, since the accident, we've been going together. The guy's name is Kelly and he's one of my new best friends. :) I feel so great afterwards! I love it! Since going, I've only had like one headache. I felt one coming on last night, but it went away before it got really bad. Plus, I think it was just because I hadn't eaten since breakfast. The first time we went to see Kelly, he took x-rays of us both to see how much work had to be done. There's a certain way one's neck is supposed to curve......my neck was curved in the opposite direction. Yikes!
Well, that's all for now, folks. I gotta go eat breakfast and think about starting to get ready for work in a little bit. I'll try to be better about posting, but we'll see how that goes since I won't have a computer with internet for a while at the place I'm moving.
dreamer
Anyway, I'm moving again. This time it's to Lauderdale, MN. It's by the State Fair grounds. I'm gonna be sharing a room with the coolest woman on earth and our other roommate seems like she'll be pretty cool, too. She's good friends with the girl I'm sharing the room with. Even though I'm really excited about moving, it's still kinda scary. I kinda know the general area, but not at all compared with South Minneapolis. I'll also be taking two totally new busses to get to work. That's a little nerve wracking. But, it'll be good I think.
On a different note, I'm so tired of working. Well, not totally tired, but it's irritating that I have to interrupt a good day of relaxing and doing nothing to go to work. I mean, I know I gotta eat and pay rent and all, but c'mon! My co-workers are pretty cool, though. Also, work is never that dull. The other day (I wasn't working), my co-worker David had to close two hoursearly cuz two guys were brawling in the store. I work at Super America and, for those who aren't familiar with it, we have what's called a fountain drink machine. It's basically a pop machine like they have at McDonalds and Subway and such. Anyway, one guy was bashing the other guy's head into it. According to David there was blood all over it. Now, that's not a typical day by any means, but it is rare that we get a day where nothing happens. Usually it's just drunks getting rude and ornery or people getting pissed off at us for some reason or other and cussing us out. So...um...yeah.
Anyway, I'm finally working noon to 8pm. Hopefully there'll be no more 4pm to midnight shifts for me. I despise that shift. That's when people are the most ornery. I'm also really, really glad that I have the day off tomorrow. Granted, I can't sleep in cuz I have to be at the chiropractor at 10am, but I can always take a nap in the afternoon.
I found out that insurance will cover chiropractic appointments for a while. Amber has been going to the chiropractor since she was like 8 years old and so, since the accident, we've been going together. The guy's name is Kelly and he's one of my new best friends. :) I feel so great afterwards! I love it! Since going, I've only had like one headache. I felt one coming on last night, but it went away before it got really bad. Plus, I think it was just because I hadn't eaten since breakfast. The first time we went to see Kelly, he took x-rays of us both to see how much work had to be done. There's a certain way one's neck is supposed to curve......my neck was curved in the opposite direction. Yikes!
Well, that's all for now, folks. I gotta go eat breakfast and think about starting to get ready for work in a little bit. I'll try to be better about posting, but we'll see how that goes since I won't have a computer with internet for a while at the place I'm moving.
dreamer
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Major post
So I realize it's been almost a month since I last posted. I'm still working at Super America albeit not for the next few days.
I was in a bad car accident this morning. My roommate Amber picked me up from work at about 12:20 am and we gave my coworker, David, a ride home. After that we were headed to the grocery store. We were at 31st and Park when we were T-boned. Amber had accidently ran the red light, but the guy that hit us was drunk. We were going about 38 mph in a 35 zone and he was going much faster than us. Amber's car was totalled.
She fractured her collarbone on the seatbelt, but otherwise was relatively unhurt. I wasn't wearing my seatbelt *insert sheepish look here* and so I cracked the windshield with my head (ironically, the windshield was the only thing cracked; my head wasn't). I also hurt my left forearm and my left hip. Other than that, my neck and shoulders are really sore and tight and my left shoulder is tender. I still have a knot on my forehead and the top of my head is sore, too.
So anyways, Amber and I were taken to HCMC by ambulance. We got there at about 1:15 and were released at 3:15...shortest ER stay I've ever seen. We were both x-rayed and given pain killers. Her arm is in a sling, but I don't really have any outward signs of injury (other than the grimace of pain on my face whenever I have to move). I was given a prescription for both Vicodin and Ibuprofen so that should help with most of the pain. I also have doctor's permission to be out of work for a couple days, but I think I'm gonna go see my doc and try to be out recouperating for the rest of the week.
Amber and I need a lot of prayer. We appreciate it greatly.
dreamer
I was in a bad car accident this morning. My roommate Amber picked me up from work at about 12:20 am and we gave my coworker, David, a ride home. After that we were headed to the grocery store. We were at 31st and Park when we were T-boned. Amber had accidently ran the red light, but the guy that hit us was drunk. We were going about 38 mph in a 35 zone and he was going much faster than us. Amber's car was totalled.
She fractured her collarbone on the seatbelt, but otherwise was relatively unhurt. I wasn't wearing my seatbelt *insert sheepish look here* and so I cracked the windshield with my head (ironically, the windshield was the only thing cracked; my head wasn't). I also hurt my left forearm and my left hip. Other than that, my neck and shoulders are really sore and tight and my left shoulder is tender. I still have a knot on my forehead and the top of my head is sore, too.
So anyways, Amber and I were taken to HCMC by ambulance. We got there at about 1:15 and were released at 3:15...shortest ER stay I've ever seen. We were both x-rayed and given pain killers. Her arm is in a sling, but I don't really have any outward signs of injury (other than the grimace of pain on my face whenever I have to move). I was given a prescription for both Vicodin and Ibuprofen so that should help with most of the pain. I also have doctor's permission to be out of work for a couple days, but I think I'm gonna go see my doc and try to be out recouperating for the rest of the week.
Amber and I need a lot of prayer. We appreciate it greatly.
dreamer
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Spiritual attack??
Okay, so for the past month or so I've been having a lot of anxiety. First, it was due to my job. The job lasted for three days, but I still had a lot of generalized anxiety. I talked to my doctor and he increased the dosage of one of my medications that's supposed to help with anxiety. It helped a little, but not much and not for long.
I mentioned my recent job at Super America. The first two days of training I was a little nervous, but it wasn't too bad. The third day of training, I started crying in the car when my mom dropped me off cuz I was so anxious. But, I went in and worked anyway. But then what was to be my second day of working at the location on 25th and Bloomington was a totally different story. By mid morning I was starting to feel really anxious and was crying. I prayed and prayed and it didn't seem to get any better. I was talking with my roommate and that wasn't helping any. I tried calling people and nobody answered their phones. I decided to call work and let them know I couldn't be there. However, I was in such a state that my roommate had to call for me. I was sobbing and starting to hyperventilate. It was not a pretty sight, let me tell you.
By the afternoon I was so frustrated with this anxiety that I was honestly thinking of suicide. I had left a message for a friend of mine that goes to my mom's church so she called back and we talked for a bit. She agreed that some of the anxiety could be due to all the changes that have been happening (moving twice, new job, being independent and away from my mom), but that I've also been taking huge steps towards growth in my walk with God (Celebrate Recovery, living with Christian women, regular devotions, being open about my struggles) and that Satan doesn't like that and will do everything he can to hinder that growth. I also had called my pastor earlier, but he wasn't home so I left a message. He called back and I told him that I was considering suicide and the option to not have to deal with this anxiety day in and day out and it being so bad that I couldn't function. He lovingly explained that suicide is an option that I should just banish from my mind. He also said that lots of people have to deal with the pain and hardship of growing up and maturing and that it's not a piece of cake and that if I fight through this and don't give up, that I'll be stronger and better for it. That helped.
But, then this morning, I had my devos and came across something that causes me to think that this anxiety could be a form of spiritual attack. I'd never thought of that before. The book is authored by John and Stasi Eldridge. Stasi writes in relation to dizzy spells, but I immediately thought of anxiety.
"About eleven years ago, John brought home a book by Neil Anderson. I think it was The Bondage Breaker. John had begun to encounter spiritual warfare issues in some of the folks he was counseling and wanted to learn a little more about it. Curious, I opened the book and began to read some of the case histories Dr. Anderson writes about. One in particular caught my attention. He described a woman who was often dizzy. The feeling of dizziness would frequently come upon her and throw her off balance both physically and spirutally. Huh, I though. I get dizzy a lot too. I mentioned this to John, and he was totally surprised. He never knew this about me. It was something I had lived with or under for years, but it never occurred to me to tell him about it. To me, it was normal.
It's amaxing was we will live with because we think it's normal when it is not.
So we decided to perform an experiment. The next time a wave of dizziness came over me, I would command it in the name of Jesus to depart from me and see what happened. I didn't have to wait long. The next day I was busy with the activites of my daily life and suddenly, out of nowhere, I got hit with dizziness. I prayed and commanded the dizziness to leave in the authority of Jesus' name. And guess what? It left! Imediately. I was stunned. The next wave came later, and I prayed again. Again it left. Whoa! Something was going on here that was completely foreign to me. A whole new dimension of Christianity opened up for me. The dizziness was a form of spiritual attack. That whole Ephesians Passage about putting on the armor of God...he meant it. We would need it.
The dizzy spells (interesting phrase) did not cease quickly. In fact, they increased, both in number and intensity. I had to learn to stand and to keep standing, "resist him, standing firm in the faith," as Peter urged (1 Pet. 5:9). I had to learn in a new way to "not grow weary in doing good" (2 Thess. 3:13 NKJV), and to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thess. 5:17 NKJV). It was as if the assaulting spirit)s) didn't believe I would stand firm against them and so they kept trying.
I got hit a few weeks later with a wave of dizziness that knocked me off my feet. From the ground, I prayed again, commanding it to leave me in the name of Jesus Christ. It did. And I have never been assaulted by dizziness again. Something that I had lived with for decades is now gone, for good. Through the experience of standing firm against the attack of dizziness, God had begun to train my hands and my heart for battle."
So I'm thinking that I'm going to try a little experiment of my own. Granted, if a wave of anxiety hits me at work, I can't very well rebuke the spirit out loud (although in the neighborhood I work in it wouldn't be all that strange), but I can pray in my head for God's strength to get through it. But, if it hits any other time, I'm definitely going to rebuke it in Jesus' name.
I think I'm really going to like reading this chapter. It's entitled "Warrior Princesses". In the first section of the chapter, Stasi writes that "there's a mighty fierceness set in the hearts of women by God" and that "there is something incredibly fierce in the heart of a woman that is to be contended with -- not dismissed, not disdained, but recognized honored, welcomed, and trained." I like that :)
dreamer
I mentioned my recent job at Super America. The first two days of training I was a little nervous, but it wasn't too bad. The third day of training, I started crying in the car when my mom dropped me off cuz I was so anxious. But, I went in and worked anyway. But then what was to be my second day of working at the location on 25th and Bloomington was a totally different story. By mid morning I was starting to feel really anxious and was crying. I prayed and prayed and it didn't seem to get any better. I was talking with my roommate and that wasn't helping any. I tried calling people and nobody answered their phones. I decided to call work and let them know I couldn't be there. However, I was in such a state that my roommate had to call for me. I was sobbing and starting to hyperventilate. It was not a pretty sight, let me tell you.
By the afternoon I was so frustrated with this anxiety that I was honestly thinking of suicide. I had left a message for a friend of mine that goes to my mom's church so she called back and we talked for a bit. She agreed that some of the anxiety could be due to all the changes that have been happening (moving twice, new job, being independent and away from my mom), but that I've also been taking huge steps towards growth in my walk with God (Celebrate Recovery, living with Christian women, regular devotions, being open about my struggles) and that Satan doesn't like that and will do everything he can to hinder that growth. I also had called my pastor earlier, but he wasn't home so I left a message. He called back and I told him that I was considering suicide and the option to not have to deal with this anxiety day in and day out and it being so bad that I couldn't function. He lovingly explained that suicide is an option that I should just banish from my mind. He also said that lots of people have to deal with the pain and hardship of growing up and maturing and that it's not a piece of cake and that if I fight through this and don't give up, that I'll be stronger and better for it. That helped.
But, then this morning, I had my devos and came across something that causes me to think that this anxiety could be a form of spiritual attack. I'd never thought of that before. The book is authored by John and Stasi Eldridge. Stasi writes in relation to dizzy spells, but I immediately thought of anxiety.
"About eleven years ago, John brought home a book by Neil Anderson. I think it was The Bondage Breaker. John had begun to encounter spiritual warfare issues in some of the folks he was counseling and wanted to learn a little more about it. Curious, I opened the book and began to read some of the case histories Dr. Anderson writes about. One in particular caught my attention. He described a woman who was often dizzy. The feeling of dizziness would frequently come upon her and throw her off balance both physically and spirutally. Huh, I though. I get dizzy a lot too. I mentioned this to John, and he was totally surprised. He never knew this about me. It was something I had lived with or under for years, but it never occurred to me to tell him about it. To me, it was normal.
It's amaxing was we will live with because we think it's normal when it is not.
So we decided to perform an experiment. The next time a wave of dizziness came over me, I would command it in the name of Jesus to depart from me and see what happened. I didn't have to wait long. The next day I was busy with the activites of my daily life and suddenly, out of nowhere, I got hit with dizziness. I prayed and commanded the dizziness to leave in the authority of Jesus' name. And guess what? It left! Imediately. I was stunned. The next wave came later, and I prayed again. Again it left. Whoa! Something was going on here that was completely foreign to me. A whole new dimension of Christianity opened up for me. The dizziness was a form of spiritual attack. That whole Ephesians Passage about putting on the armor of God...he meant it. We would need it.
The dizzy spells (interesting phrase) did not cease quickly. In fact, they increased, both in number and intensity. I had to learn to stand and to keep standing, "resist him, standing firm in the faith," as Peter urged (1 Pet. 5:9). I had to learn in a new way to "not grow weary in doing good" (2 Thess. 3:13 NKJV), and to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thess. 5:17 NKJV). It was as if the assaulting spirit)s) didn't believe I would stand firm against them and so they kept trying.
I got hit a few weeks later with a wave of dizziness that knocked me off my feet. From the ground, I prayed again, commanding it to leave me in the name of Jesus Christ. It did. And I have never been assaulted by dizziness again. Something that I had lived with for decades is now gone, for good. Through the experience of standing firm against the attack of dizziness, God had begun to train my hands and my heart for battle."
So I'm thinking that I'm going to try a little experiment of my own. Granted, if a wave of anxiety hits me at work, I can't very well rebuke the spirit out loud (although in the neighborhood I work in it wouldn't be all that strange), but I can pray in my head for God's strength to get through it. But, if it hits any other time, I'm definitely going to rebuke it in Jesus' name.
I think I'm really going to like reading this chapter. It's entitled "Warrior Princesses". In the first section of the chapter, Stasi writes that "there's a mighty fierceness set in the hearts of women by God" and that "there is something incredibly fierce in the heart of a woman that is to be contended with -- not dismissed, not disdained, but recognized honored, welcomed, and trained." I like that :)
dreamer
Monday, June 20, 2005
First official day
Today was my first day at the SuperAmerica on 25th and Bloomington. Three words....Bullet Proof Glass. One of my roommates isn't too cool with the fact that they have it (need it) there, but hey, what can ya do.
I was having a bit of anxiety for most of the day. I went shopping with my mom and bought work clothes and some tennis shoes. I'm on my feet for pretty much the whole 8 hours I'm at work so I needed better shoes (although my feet still hurt soooooooo bad right now). My mom said she'd drop me off at work and, when we got there, I started to cry. I didn't wanna work cuz of the anxiety I was feeling, but I wanted to be able to work. I HATE anxiety!!! But, it worked out for the most part.
I was originally scheduled for 4pm - 11pm, but was asked if I could come in at 3 instead. Of course I said it wouldn't be a problem. I didn't leave until about 1am. They usually have three people working second shift, but it was just me and a guy named Yonas. So, we had to wait until close to restock most of the stuff.
Oh, funny thing (well, depends on what one finds funny), within a couple hours of being there, Yonas had to close his bullet proof window and call security cuz some guy was being really beligerant to both of us. The guy left me alone for the most part after I told him it was my first day and I couldn't really do anything about his complaint. But...um...yeah.
Cool thing was that Yonas gave me a ride home. I grew up not far from there and I wonder if David (the asst. manager) is being a little dramatic when he describes how bad the neighborhood is, but I was still thankful for the ride. I wasn't really looking forward to walking six blocks at 1am and then waiting for a bus on Lake St. for who knows how long.
Anyway, I better leave it at that. I'm eating Ramen noodles and then I'm gonna go to bed.
If you could, pray for me that God takes away my anxiety, helps me keep a smile on my face when dealing with people, that I'd remember the stuff I'm being taught, and that He'd use me.
dreamer
I was having a bit of anxiety for most of the day. I went shopping with my mom and bought work clothes and some tennis shoes. I'm on my feet for pretty much the whole 8 hours I'm at work so I needed better shoes (although my feet still hurt soooooooo bad right now). My mom said she'd drop me off at work and, when we got there, I started to cry. I didn't wanna work cuz of the anxiety I was feeling, but I wanted to be able to work. I HATE anxiety!!! But, it worked out for the most part.
I was originally scheduled for 4pm - 11pm, but was asked if I could come in at 3 instead. Of course I said it wouldn't be a problem. I didn't leave until about 1am. They usually have three people working second shift, but it was just me and a guy named Yonas. So, we had to wait until close to restock most of the stuff.
Oh, funny thing (well, depends on what one finds funny), within a couple hours of being there, Yonas had to close his bullet proof window and call security cuz some guy was being really beligerant to both of us. The guy left me alone for the most part after I told him it was my first day and I couldn't really do anything about his complaint. But...um...yeah.
Cool thing was that Yonas gave me a ride home. I grew up not far from there and I wonder if David (the asst. manager) is being a little dramatic when he describes how bad the neighborhood is, but I was still thankful for the ride. I wasn't really looking forward to walking six blocks at 1am and then waiting for a bus on Lake St. for who knows how long.
Anyway, I better leave it at that. I'm eating Ramen noodles and then I'm gonna go to bed.
If you could, pray for me that God takes away my anxiety, helps me keep a smile on my face when dealing with people, that I'd remember the stuff I'm being taught, and that He'd use me.
dreamer
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Me = BORED!!!!!
Okay, so I am totally and unarguably bored outta my freakin' skull!!!
I got home from work at about 4:15 or so. One of my roommates had had a rough day so I let her vent and then asked some questions that I knew she knew the answer to, but my point was to get her to think about things that she might've been trying to avoid thinking about. I tried as best I could to comfort and encourage her, which is just fair since she listened to me rant and cry and vent last night and she comforted and encouraged me.
But my point...said roommate is now over at her parent's house and then she's going to a movie with a friend after that. Another roommate went camping and won't be back until Sunday night, and the last roommate is, as of yet, unaccounted for. I'm thinking she might be working 'til 8pm and I sent her a text message asking if that was the case, but I haven't heard back. My exact message to her was, "R u working til 8? Cuz i'm going nutso here by myself."
Ain't that the truth. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I drank two Monster energy drinks within the space of about a half hour or so. I washed dishes, I cleaned a bit, did some laundry, and played BloodRayne II for a while. I finally started pacing around the room, sitting at the computer to check email, paced a little more, and now I'm putting yet another post on here. I really want a cigarette if for no other reason than to calm me down a bit.
ARRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm done. I'm gonna go pace some more.
dreamer
I got home from work at about 4:15 or so. One of my roommates had had a rough day so I let her vent and then asked some questions that I knew she knew the answer to, but my point was to get her to think about things that she might've been trying to avoid thinking about. I tried as best I could to comfort and encourage her, which is just fair since she listened to me rant and cry and vent last night and she comforted and encouraged me.
But my point...said roommate is now over at her parent's house and then she's going to a movie with a friend after that. Another roommate went camping and won't be back until Sunday night, and the last roommate is, as of yet, unaccounted for. I'm thinking she might be working 'til 8pm and I sent her a text message asking if that was the case, but I haven't heard back. My exact message to her was, "R u working til 8? Cuz i'm going nutso here by myself."
Ain't that the truth. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I drank two Monster energy drinks within the space of about a half hour or so. I washed dishes, I cleaned a bit, did some laundry, and played BloodRayne II for a while. I finally started pacing around the room, sitting at the computer to check email, paced a little more, and now I'm putting yet another post on here. I really want a cigarette if for no other reason than to calm me down a bit.
ARRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!
Okay, I'm done. I'm gonna go pace some more.
dreamer
God is so freakin' cool!!!!
I had my first day of training today. I haven't mentioned on here yet, but I got the job at SuperAmerica. Right now I'm training at the one on 47th and Cedar, but after Saturday I'll be moving to the one on 25th and Bloomington.
So, training went alright. I was sorta nervous when I started. One scary thing that happened right off what the manager, Musa (pronounced Moosa), asked if I was sure I'd been told to come in at 7am and not 8. Grrr. It was the same at Arby's. Got a little freaked out then, but made myself step back and take a deep breath. So, I filled out my paperwork (which is probably why I was told to come in at 7) and within about 10-15 minutes of watching another chick do register, I was ringing up customers on my own for the most part.
At various times during the day I had to check my anxiety and make myself mentally pause and take a deep breath to refocus. I even made mistakes and didn't totally freak out over it. Everyone was really nice, though and didn't berate me for making mistakes. Even when I'd apologize they were like, "It's alright. It's your first day. You're bound to make mistakes. Everyone does." And even the customers for the most part were really friendly. Sometimes I'd apologize for it taking so long (when I'd messed up) and they'd usually smile and say it was no problem. And it was an honest smile. Then, they were really nice when I'd explain that it was my first day. One guy was saying, "yeah that can be real nervewracking, but remember, we're just people. Just remember to breathe." :) Cool, huh?
I think it also helped that I spent most of my break praying. Mostly for myself and that God would grow me through this and use me at work; that He'd take away my anxiety and that I'd keep a smile on my face even when I didn't feel like it. But, I also prayed for my roomies and our household as a whole. All in all it was a pretty good experience. But still, despite all that, there's still some anxiety in the back of my mind. I don't know if it'd be best to ignore it so as not to let it take over or acknowledge it and let myself feel it. I'm definitely gonna keep praying about it, though.
After I got off work, I realized that I'd left my bus card at home. So I had to make a withdrawl and I bought two Monster energy drinks since they were on sale (so I'd have change for the bus). I slammed the first one cuz I was soooo thirsty. Then I pretty much slammed the second one when I got home. Now my hands are shaking uncontrollably. *laughs* That's probably one reason why this post turned out much longer than I thought it would. :)
Well, I better get going. It's 6:30 and no one's home yet. I finished doing the dishes, but I think I'm gonna try to find something else to do and use up all this energy.
Hope God is blessing and encouraging you all.
dreamer
So, training went alright. I was sorta nervous when I started. One scary thing that happened right off what the manager, Musa (pronounced Moosa), asked if I was sure I'd been told to come in at 7am and not 8. Grrr. It was the same at Arby's. Got a little freaked out then, but made myself step back and take a deep breath. So, I filled out my paperwork (which is probably why I was told to come in at 7) and within about 10-15 minutes of watching another chick do register, I was ringing up customers on my own for the most part.
At various times during the day I had to check my anxiety and make myself mentally pause and take a deep breath to refocus. I even made mistakes and didn't totally freak out over it. Everyone was really nice, though and didn't berate me for making mistakes. Even when I'd apologize they were like, "It's alright. It's your first day. You're bound to make mistakes. Everyone does." And even the customers for the most part were really friendly. Sometimes I'd apologize for it taking so long (when I'd messed up) and they'd usually smile and say it was no problem. And it was an honest smile. Then, they were really nice when I'd explain that it was my first day. One guy was saying, "yeah that can be real nervewracking, but remember, we're just people. Just remember to breathe." :) Cool, huh?
I think it also helped that I spent most of my break praying. Mostly for myself and that God would grow me through this and use me at work; that He'd take away my anxiety and that I'd keep a smile on my face even when I didn't feel like it. But, I also prayed for my roomies and our household as a whole. All in all it was a pretty good experience. But still, despite all that, there's still some anxiety in the back of my mind. I don't know if it'd be best to ignore it so as not to let it take over or acknowledge it and let myself feel it. I'm definitely gonna keep praying about it, though.
After I got off work, I realized that I'd left my bus card at home. So I had to make a withdrawl and I bought two Monster energy drinks since they were on sale (so I'd have change for the bus). I slammed the first one cuz I was soooo thirsty. Then I pretty much slammed the second one when I got home. Now my hands are shaking uncontrollably. *laughs* That's probably one reason why this post turned out much longer than I thought it would. :)
Well, I better get going. It's 6:30 and no one's home yet. I finished doing the dishes, but I think I'm gonna try to find something else to do and use up all this energy.
Hope God is blessing and encouraging you all.
dreamer
Thursday, June 09, 2005
You'd think I'd learn...
to listen to my roommates. Last night was Celebrate Recovery. Earlier in the week I'd been planning on going, even told another friend that I'd see her there. But for some reason, when the actual day came around, I didn't wanna go. I told one of my roomies that and she was on my case the rest of the day saying that I should go and wanting me to give her a good reason why I didn't want to. Of course, I didn't really have a good reason other than I didn't feel like it, didn't wanna talk to anyone, and wanted a night to myself without other people around me.
I got my wish. One roomie left just as another was getting home, the roommate that was bugging me went to C.R., and then the third roommate went to a coffee shop. I chatted online for quite a bit and, when one roommate came home and wished to use the computer, I played video games until everyone else got home.
For some reason later on, I got really irritated, felt a bit depressed, anxious, etc. etc. I didn't wanna talk to my roomies cuz I was afraid they'd get an "I told you so" attitude about my not going to Celebrate Recovery that night. I went up in my room and put some music on, but it was Evanesence so not very uplifting. I then did something pretty bad. I slipped up again in the area of self-injury. I got so pissed at myself that I got in the mindset of wishing to punish myself for it...which would've led to more self-injury. I didn't punish myself, but I still feel like total crap. I have yet to tell my roomies what happened. I sent a text to the leader of the women's recovery group saying that I'd slipped up again, but didn't specify how.
I am such a moron!
dreamer
I got my wish. One roomie left just as another was getting home, the roommate that was bugging me went to C.R., and then the third roommate went to a coffee shop. I chatted online for quite a bit and, when one roommate came home and wished to use the computer, I played video games until everyone else got home.
For some reason later on, I got really irritated, felt a bit depressed, anxious, etc. etc. I didn't wanna talk to my roomies cuz I was afraid they'd get an "I told you so" attitude about my not going to Celebrate Recovery that night. I went up in my room and put some music on, but it was Evanesence so not very uplifting. I then did something pretty bad. I slipped up again in the area of self-injury. I got so pissed at myself that I got in the mindset of wishing to punish myself for it...which would've led to more self-injury. I didn't punish myself, but I still feel like total crap. I have yet to tell my roomies what happened. I sent a text to the leader of the women's recovery group saying that I'd slipped up again, but didn't specify how.
I am such a moron!
dreamer
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Jobless
Well, I'm professionally unemployed now. I had a second day of work at Arby's. This time I was working the drive thru window. It was going well until the lunch rush (surprise, surprise). Again I was already nervous and doing my best to go fast, but then my manager kept telling me to hurry up, which just made me more flustered and I kept making mistakes, which made him more frustrated with me.
So, the third day I went in, he asked me how I was doing. I said 'pretty good', which is the reply I usually give. He, unfortunately wanted me to elaborate on that. The day before he'd also asked how he could help me not be so nervous, so I told him that he could try not to rush me so much. He basically said that it wasn't gonna happen that way. He had me in tears not fifteen minutes after getting to work. I ended up leaving. When I got home I cried for a while, called my mom (she was pissed at the guy), called another friend, cried some more....you get the picture.
My manager called me later that day to see how things were going and he had me in tears within about five minutes. It's was mutually agreed that Arby's might not be the best place for me right now.
Now I'm looking for a job again. I have an interview at Panera Bread on Wednesday and got a call back from SuperAmerica that I need to return. I'm not really looking forward to either prospect after this whole Arby's fiasco. I was having a lot of anxiety related to that job, but now that I don't have it anymore, I'm having really bad generalized anxiety. I hate feeling this way. Because of it, the desire to go to the bar is stronger than before. Because like it or not, drinking dulls, if not totally removes, the anxiety...at least for a little while. But, I'm trying to trust God and not resort to my own solutions.
Well, that's it for now, folks.
dreamer
So, the third day I went in, he asked me how I was doing. I said 'pretty good', which is the reply I usually give. He, unfortunately wanted me to elaborate on that. The day before he'd also asked how he could help me not be so nervous, so I told him that he could try not to rush me so much. He basically said that it wasn't gonna happen that way. He had me in tears not fifteen minutes after getting to work. I ended up leaving. When I got home I cried for a while, called my mom (she was pissed at the guy), called another friend, cried some more....you get the picture.
My manager called me later that day to see how things were going and he had me in tears within about five minutes. It's was mutually agreed that Arby's might not be the best place for me right now.
Now I'm looking for a job again. I have an interview at Panera Bread on Wednesday and got a call back from SuperAmerica that I need to return. I'm not really looking forward to either prospect after this whole Arby's fiasco. I was having a lot of anxiety related to that job, but now that I don't have it anymore, I'm having really bad generalized anxiety. I hate feeling this way. Because of it, the desire to go to the bar is stronger than before. Because like it or not, drinking dulls, if not totally removes, the anxiety...at least for a little while. But, I'm trying to trust God and not resort to my own solutions.
Well, that's it for now, folks.
dreamer
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Ugh
So I had my first official workday at my new job. I got hired at Arby's. God is really teaching me humility through this. No offense to anyone who works fast food. I used to swear to myself that I'd never work in fast food. Well, I do. After I had my shirt tucked in and my little visor on, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized..."I look like a dork". Again, no offense to anyone who works fast food because I'm beginning to realize how difficult it is.
I got to work at 8:00am and, after the manager got there he realized he'd made a mistake and that I really didn't have to be there until 9. Alright, no big deal, I can handle that. After wiping down table and mopping, I started training on working the front counter. Only like five people came in between 9:15 or so and 11:15 when the lunch rush came in. My point is, I had the front counter machine explained to me, got to watch on a couple customers, and do it with supervision a couple times, but I was dead meat when the lunch rush came in. I was helping put together some drive thru orders and my manager asked if I knew how to do the counter. I said I had the gist of it, but when a customer came in and I had a question, he basically pushed me aside to do it himself because I wasn't fast enough. Then he politely told me I could go home for the day. And to call him tomorrow at 8am. I overheard him saying something about "what was she doing for the last hour she's been here?"
I'm trying not to take it to heart and chock it up to he was stressed with all the customers coming in and everything, but gimme a break. It was my first day and we'd only had about 5 customers before the rush started.
It wouldn't have affected me so much if I wasn't already nervous about it being my first day, learning tons of new stuff, interacting with people (not really my strongest trait right now), etc. Thankfully, I didn't start crying in front of the guy.
A couple hours after I got home I called a friend of mine. It was already understood that I'd call him so it wasn't like a "I'm upset and you need to comfort me" kinda call. He and I chatted about a few things and made sure the other was staying out of trouble. When he asked me what awesome, cool things have happened today, I made a kind of houghing sound and he says, "You don't need to sound so depressed". So, I explained the basics of what happened this morning. Thankfully, he's worked at Arby's so I got kind of a pep talk from him and he advised me that, instead of calling tomorrow, I should go in. He said I should beat the guy to the punch and ask him how I can do better and learn faster. I'm kinda reluctant to do anything than what my manager said do, but I trust this friend and it might score me some brownie points that I really do want to learn this stuff.
Ugh! I'm still a little frustrated and on edge so I'm gonna go read my bible and pray.
dreamer
I got to work at 8:00am and, after the manager got there he realized he'd made a mistake and that I really didn't have to be there until 9. Alright, no big deal, I can handle that. After wiping down table and mopping, I started training on working the front counter. Only like five people came in between 9:15 or so and 11:15 when the lunch rush came in. My point is, I had the front counter machine explained to me, got to watch on a couple customers, and do it with supervision a couple times, but I was dead meat when the lunch rush came in. I was helping put together some drive thru orders and my manager asked if I knew how to do the counter. I said I had the gist of it, but when a customer came in and I had a question, he basically pushed me aside to do it himself because I wasn't fast enough. Then he politely told me I could go home for the day. And to call him tomorrow at 8am. I overheard him saying something about "what was she doing for the last hour she's been here?"
I'm trying not to take it to heart and chock it up to he was stressed with all the customers coming in and everything, but gimme a break. It was my first day and we'd only had about 5 customers before the rush started.
It wouldn't have affected me so much if I wasn't already nervous about it being my first day, learning tons of new stuff, interacting with people (not really my strongest trait right now), etc. Thankfully, I didn't start crying in front of the guy.
A couple hours after I got home I called a friend of mine. It was already understood that I'd call him so it wasn't like a "I'm upset and you need to comfort me" kinda call. He and I chatted about a few things and made sure the other was staying out of trouble. When he asked me what awesome, cool things have happened today, I made a kind of houghing sound and he says, "You don't need to sound so depressed". So, I explained the basics of what happened this morning. Thankfully, he's worked at Arby's so I got kind of a pep talk from him and he advised me that, instead of calling tomorrow, I should go in. He said I should beat the guy to the punch and ask him how I can do better and learn faster. I'm kinda reluctant to do anything than what my manager said do, but I trust this friend and it might score me some brownie points that I really do want to learn this stuff.
Ugh! I'm still a little frustrated and on edge so I'm gonna go read my bible and pray.
dreamer
Monday, May 30, 2005
Um...yeah
Okay, I know I just posted like two minutes ago, but I was re-reading some of my earlier posts and decided to make an update on one. If you haven't read the post entitled "Don't wanna" then this won't make any sense.
So, in that post I was ranting about a guy, that I've practically been in love with for almost three years, who started dating a friend of mine. I mentioned that the girl hadn't told me beforehand that they were gonna start seeing each other so I felt pretty betrayed and unimportant.
A couple days after my conversation with the guy and finding out about all this, he and I talked again. I found out from him that she was hesitant to proceed with a relationship. She did remember the talk she and I had and how I felt about him and she didn't want to hurt me in the process of being with him. Between his and my conversation that day and a couple days before, I'd been praying and praying that God would help me come to a place of forgiveness and love for her. So upon hearing that she didn't want to develop a relationship with him if it'd hurt me helped me move past that original hurt.
A few days after that, she and I talked on the phone and decided to pursue a deeper friendship between the two of us that wasn't based on this guy. I wasn't sure how well it'd work, but I wanted to attempt it. I had come to really like her and didn't want to lose her friendship.
Their "relationship" took some different turns and grew and shrank and morphed...as relationships tend to do. Through all this, though, I was still in pretty bad shape. She and I were still friends and growing closer, but there was still a lot of pain whenever I'd see the two of them together and it was tough for me to even be around her without thinking about him.
I began talking to a couple women, one who goes to my church and was very aware of the dynamics of the situation and one who was completely removed from the situation, went to a different church, and had never met these two. They both gave me the same council and that was to check how much time I was spending with them together, talking to him, and to maybe take a little bit of a break. So I did that. I cut back on how much he and I talked and emailed and put more of a check on how much I let myself think about him when I was with her.
Throughout all this time, not only where they praying for me, I was praying for me, and I'm sure tons of other people were praying. There were a lot of times I wanted to just throw in the towel with the both of them, cut them both out of my life, count it as loss, and move on. But, I knew that wasn't what God wanted me to do. It'd be a complete cop-out. Plus, I didn't want her to use me as an excuse to give into her fear and run from a relationship with this guy.
Where I'm at right now is so totally different from the two and a half months ago when I posted "Don't wanna". Yeah, I still feel a twinge in my heart every now and then; usually when she's talking on the phone with him or I hear plans for them to hang out. I feel kinda left out at those times. But there isn't that constant, aching pain in my heart. I think it had a lot to do with pursuing the friendship with her despite my desire to the contrary and then also praying that God would bless them and just in general praying for them.
I think that's all I'm gonna put for now cuz it's almost 1pm and I'm stilll in my pajamas.
dreamer
So, in that post I was ranting about a guy, that I've practically been in love with for almost three years, who started dating a friend of mine. I mentioned that the girl hadn't told me beforehand that they were gonna start seeing each other so I felt pretty betrayed and unimportant.
A couple days after my conversation with the guy and finding out about all this, he and I talked again. I found out from him that she was hesitant to proceed with a relationship. She did remember the talk she and I had and how I felt about him and she didn't want to hurt me in the process of being with him. Between his and my conversation that day and a couple days before, I'd been praying and praying that God would help me come to a place of forgiveness and love for her. So upon hearing that she didn't want to develop a relationship with him if it'd hurt me helped me move past that original hurt.
A few days after that, she and I talked on the phone and decided to pursue a deeper friendship between the two of us that wasn't based on this guy. I wasn't sure how well it'd work, but I wanted to attempt it. I had come to really like her and didn't want to lose her friendship.
Their "relationship" took some different turns and grew and shrank and morphed...as relationships tend to do. Through all this, though, I was still in pretty bad shape. She and I were still friends and growing closer, but there was still a lot of pain whenever I'd see the two of them together and it was tough for me to even be around her without thinking about him.
I began talking to a couple women, one who goes to my church and was very aware of the dynamics of the situation and one who was completely removed from the situation, went to a different church, and had never met these two. They both gave me the same council and that was to check how much time I was spending with them together, talking to him, and to maybe take a little bit of a break. So I did that. I cut back on how much he and I talked and emailed and put more of a check on how much I let myself think about him when I was with her.
Throughout all this time, not only where they praying for me, I was praying for me, and I'm sure tons of other people were praying. There were a lot of times I wanted to just throw in the towel with the both of them, cut them both out of my life, count it as loss, and move on. But, I knew that wasn't what God wanted me to do. It'd be a complete cop-out. Plus, I didn't want her to use me as an excuse to give into her fear and run from a relationship with this guy.
Where I'm at right now is so totally different from the two and a half months ago when I posted "Don't wanna". Yeah, I still feel a twinge in my heart every now and then; usually when she's talking on the phone with him or I hear plans for them to hang out. I feel kinda left out at those times. But there isn't that constant, aching pain in my heart. I think it had a lot to do with pursuing the friendship with her despite my desire to the contrary and then also praying that God would bless them and just in general praying for them.
I think that's all I'm gonna put for now cuz it's almost 1pm and I'm stilll in my pajamas.
dreamer
It's official
I'm a resident of Uptown!! Yay!! Ever since my mom moved our family to Eagain in October of 2003, I've wanted to move back to Minneapolis and now I'm back.
When I was born and until I was 4 years old, we lived in a triplex on 31st and Elliot. Then, from ages 5-6 we lived in an apartment building (part of a twin highrise) on the edge of downtown Minneapolis. Then, at age 6 or 7 we moved back to a house on 31st and Elliot across the street from our original dwelling. We lived there for 14 years and then had to move to Eagan. The mortgage company was forclosing on my folk's house and we were unable to find any suitable place in the city. My mom had wanted to move away from the crime of the cities for a while and when she found an apartment in Eagan, she was thrilled. I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, the suburbs aren't bad. Plus, where we moved, everything we needed was within about three miles, except our respective churches. My mom goes to Bethlehem Baptist on the edge of downtown (ironically right across the street from our old apartment building) and I go to church at The Rock in Uptown (a mile or so from where I live now).
I made the best of things, but deep down was missing the city. And, not so deep down because I'd often talked about wanting to move back. So, the opportunity arose to move in with my oldest sister, Tina, in West Saint Paul. Granted, it wasn't Minneapolis, but it was a bit closer and I'd be away from my dad (we don't get along when we're living under the same roof).
I moved in with my sister about a month or so ago. It was a little quicker by bus to get to church (quicker by about an hour), but it still wasn't right. Add to that not living with anyone who believes in Christ as Savior, I wasn't all that thrilled. I mean, I was seeing my two nieces a lot more, but even they were starting to get on my nerves.
I began spending every weekend with three women from my church, partly because I really like them and enjoy spending time with them, but I was also going to a recovery group that meets a mile or so away. Inevitably, though, after group I'd come back over, hang out, and end up spending the night again. That was usually because one of the women and I would go to a cafe in Maple Grove to see a mutual friend of ours ('nother story). We'd get back late, I'd spend the night, and normally meet up with my mom at her church on Sunday.
These women had been looking for another roommate for a while, but it wasn't until I moved to my sister's that I realized moving in with them could become a very real possibility. I began looking for a job near their place (which involved more nights spent at their house) and.................................
Here I am!! A lot of prayer and a lot of job hunting later (with a lot more prayer thrown in), I live in Uptown with three of the coolest chicks I've known. It feels rather weird, though. Even though I've taken a step towards adulthood, I still feel like a kid in a lot of ways. Also, the next couple of months will be interesting. June will be spent sort of getting used to living here. In July another girl is moving in, so we'll have 5 girls here for that month. Then in August, one of the original roommates is moving out. So, we'll have just 4 girls again, but we'll be moving to the other side of this house (it's like a duplex but split down the middle so there's an upstairs and downstairs on both sides of the house), there'll be shuffling of rooms, moving the belongings of 4 girls, etc.
But, right now, I'm just enjoying my new life as a single, independent woman....one who doesn't live with her relatives. :)
Yay for God!! Yay for roommates!! Yay for God-loving roommates!!!!!
When I was born and until I was 4 years old, we lived in a triplex on 31st and Elliot. Then, from ages 5-6 we lived in an apartment building (part of a twin highrise) on the edge of downtown Minneapolis. Then, at age 6 or 7 we moved back to a house on 31st and Elliot across the street from our original dwelling. We lived there for 14 years and then had to move to Eagan. The mortgage company was forclosing on my folk's house and we were unable to find any suitable place in the city. My mom had wanted to move away from the crime of the cities for a while and when she found an apartment in Eagan, she was thrilled. I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, the suburbs aren't bad. Plus, where we moved, everything we needed was within about three miles, except our respective churches. My mom goes to Bethlehem Baptist on the edge of downtown (ironically right across the street from our old apartment building) and I go to church at The Rock in Uptown (a mile or so from where I live now).
I made the best of things, but deep down was missing the city. And, not so deep down because I'd often talked about wanting to move back. So, the opportunity arose to move in with my oldest sister, Tina, in West Saint Paul. Granted, it wasn't Minneapolis, but it was a bit closer and I'd be away from my dad (we don't get along when we're living under the same roof).
I moved in with my sister about a month or so ago. It was a little quicker by bus to get to church (quicker by about an hour), but it still wasn't right. Add to that not living with anyone who believes in Christ as Savior, I wasn't all that thrilled. I mean, I was seeing my two nieces a lot more, but even they were starting to get on my nerves.
I began spending every weekend with three women from my church, partly because I really like them and enjoy spending time with them, but I was also going to a recovery group that meets a mile or so away. Inevitably, though, after group I'd come back over, hang out, and end up spending the night again. That was usually because one of the women and I would go to a cafe in Maple Grove to see a mutual friend of ours ('nother story). We'd get back late, I'd spend the night, and normally meet up with my mom at her church on Sunday.
These women had been looking for another roommate for a while, but it wasn't until I moved to my sister's that I realized moving in with them could become a very real possibility. I began looking for a job near their place (which involved more nights spent at their house) and.................................
Here I am!! A lot of prayer and a lot of job hunting later (with a lot more prayer thrown in), I live in Uptown with three of the coolest chicks I've known. It feels rather weird, though. Even though I've taken a step towards adulthood, I still feel like a kid in a lot of ways. Also, the next couple of months will be interesting. June will be spent sort of getting used to living here. In July another girl is moving in, so we'll have 5 girls here for that month. Then in August, one of the original roommates is moving out. So, we'll have just 4 girls again, but we'll be moving to the other side of this house (it's like a duplex but split down the middle so there's an upstairs and downstairs on both sides of the house), there'll be shuffling of rooms, moving the belongings of 4 girls, etc.
But, right now, I'm just enjoying my new life as a single, independent woman....one who doesn't live with her relatives. :)
Yay for God!! Yay for roommates!! Yay for God-loving roommates!!!!!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
poem
I wish I could claim credit for writing this, but I can't. I got it off a website that I really like. If you want, and you're nice to me, I'll give you the link. But anyway, this explains where I'm at right now. I've prayed, but I almost don't want to cuz I wanna give in. I haven't given in, though....yet.
So here it is.
So here it is.
She closes her eyes and her mind drifts away,
As she pulls the covers to her chin,
Feeling ashamed and all alone,
She gazes into the darkness of her room
With the curtains pulled tightly shut,
And the room turned black as night
With her head pounding and her wrists aching,
She slowly reaches for the phone,
but hears them whispering, "don't be a burden, let them sleep."
"it's not their problem, the demons you keep."
She wants to cry, but the tears are frozen.
So she sits and tries her hardest, to make sense
Of the chaos buried deep within her mind.
But her eyes get heavy as the pencil slows.
Another feeling buried, another poem unwritten
But maybe they will let her sleep. Maybe the feelings wil go away.
For the morning will come and the dreams will be forgotten,
The night of torment and pain is over.
It might be hot in her long sleeves and jeans,
But the night came to an end when she finally gave in.
As she pulls the covers to her chin,
Feeling ashamed and all alone,
She gazes into the darkness of her room
With the curtains pulled tightly shut,
And the room turned black as night
With her head pounding and her wrists aching,
She slowly reaches for the phone,
but hears them whispering, "don't be a burden, let them sleep."
"it's not their problem, the demons you keep."
She wants to cry, but the tears are frozen.
So she sits and tries her hardest, to make sense
Of the chaos buried deep within her mind.
But her eyes get heavy as the pencil slows.
Another feeling buried, another poem unwritten
But maybe they will let her sleep. Maybe the feelings wil go away.
For the morning will come and the dreams will be forgotten,
The night of torment and pain is over.
It might be hot in her long sleeves and jeans,
But the night came to an end when she finally gave in.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
A story from my past
I decided to finally post something about cutting. I'm not gonna get into tons of reasons why I did it. I may post a list of reasons at a later date, but not now. Up until almost 17 months ago, I had been a self-injurer from the age of about 11 or so. Cutting became my baby; my most loved method of self-harm. But, it started out as wrist banging, then punching walls, dripping hot wax on really sensitive skin, scratching, etc.
So, I'm gonna write a little story that details one episode of many from when I was in highschool. Just as a warning for those that may share my affinity for sharp objects, this story could be triggering.
She sits in class, bouncing her legs beneath the table and trying to concentrate. The teacher's words have become an annoying buzz in her ears; white noise that she can't shut out. She feels the agitation rising; it's been too long.
Raising her hand, she askes to be excused to the bathroom. Upon receiving permission, she practically bolts from the room.
Once in the bathroom her breathing relaxes, but only slightly. She looks in the mirrors that are over the sinks, but only for a moment. It's become so that she avoids looking at herself in the mirror at all costs. Just one more thing that would cause more pain.
She hears voices coming towards the bathroom so she rushes into a stall and quickly bolts the door. Digging in her pocket, her hand closes over the metal boxcutter. Once the door closes and the voices fade, out comes the razor and up goes the sleeve.
Her arm is covered in wounds in various stages of healing. She brings the razor up and begins the strokes that bring sweet relief. Making slashes on the unmarked flesh of her inner arms, slicing through semi-healed cuts, she watches the blood begin to flow.
Her breathing relaxes entirely and a calming peace flows through her like a warm light. Using toilet paper to wipe up the blood, she lowers her sleeve and heads back to class.
One more day; one more crisis averted for the time being.
So, I'm gonna write a little story that details one episode of many from when I was in highschool. Just as a warning for those that may share my affinity for sharp objects, this story could be triggering.
She sits in class, bouncing her legs beneath the table and trying to concentrate. The teacher's words have become an annoying buzz in her ears; white noise that she can't shut out. She feels the agitation rising; it's been too long.
Raising her hand, she askes to be excused to the bathroom. Upon receiving permission, she practically bolts from the room.
Once in the bathroom her breathing relaxes, but only slightly. She looks in the mirrors that are over the sinks, but only for a moment. It's become so that she avoids looking at herself in the mirror at all costs. Just one more thing that would cause more pain.
She hears voices coming towards the bathroom so she rushes into a stall and quickly bolts the door. Digging in her pocket, her hand closes over the metal boxcutter. Once the door closes and the voices fade, out comes the razor and up goes the sleeve.
Her arm is covered in wounds in various stages of healing. She brings the razor up and begins the strokes that bring sweet relief. Making slashes on the unmarked flesh of her inner arms, slicing through semi-healed cuts, she watches the blood begin to flow.
Her breathing relaxes entirely and a calming peace flows through her like a warm light. Using toilet paper to wipe up the blood, she lowers her sleeve and heads back to class.
One more day; one more crisis averted for the time being.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Downtown Saint Paul
I hate downtown Saint Paul. I had to take the bus to my church's midweek service yesterday, which involves taking a bus downtown and then catching another bus into uptown. Let's just say I'm glad I left early.
I got downtown no problem. But, I couldn't for the life of me find the street that I needed to be on to catch my next bus. I must've walked about three miles up and down 6th street. I was supposed to catch the 21 bus on 6th st. and Jackson and I just couldn't find Jackson. Finally I started asking people, which in and of itself is scary, and that just added to the scariness of not knowing where the heck I was. It all turned out okay, though. I was at the transit station on 6th and Cedar (don't remember if it was Cedar St. or Cedar Ave.) and I saw it had a schedule for the 21. So I walk around a little more and I'm getting frustrated cuz I can't find where the 21 stops. Just as I turn around to go back into the transit station, I see the 21 coming down the street. Yay!! I was elated, to say the least. What an adventure.
Of course then, when I was on the way home, I got off the bus downtown again. The next bus I needed to catch didn't come for another 40 minutes so I, being the extremely intelligent and impatient person that I am, decided to start walking. I walk about two miles or so down Robert Street until I get to spot where I don't recognize anything. The bus took a little detour down Cesar Chavez street and I couldn't remember which way. But, instead of wandering around lost (it's about 11pm by this time), I decided to walk back on Robert the way I came until I get back to a bus stop. I got to the stop just as the bus was pulling up (thank you God!). Turns out I went the wrong way down Cesar Chavez. And, now I have a couple blisters on my feet. Happy happy joy joy.
Well, today, when I looked at my schedule again, it says 6th st. and Jackson/Robert. That makes me think that Jackson is the same as Robert St. But, rather than get ticked off, I'll just see the positive that I got exercise yesterday..... A LOT of exercise.
I got downtown no problem. But, I couldn't for the life of me find the street that I needed to be on to catch my next bus. I must've walked about three miles up and down 6th street. I was supposed to catch the 21 bus on 6th st. and Jackson and I just couldn't find Jackson. Finally I started asking people, which in and of itself is scary, and that just added to the scariness of not knowing where the heck I was. It all turned out okay, though. I was at the transit station on 6th and Cedar (don't remember if it was Cedar St. or Cedar Ave.) and I saw it had a schedule for the 21. So I walk around a little more and I'm getting frustrated cuz I can't find where the 21 stops. Just as I turn around to go back into the transit station, I see the 21 coming down the street. Yay!! I was elated, to say the least. What an adventure.
Of course then, when I was on the way home, I got off the bus downtown again. The next bus I needed to catch didn't come for another 40 minutes so I, being the extremely intelligent and impatient person that I am, decided to start walking. I walk about two miles or so down Robert Street until I get to spot where I don't recognize anything. The bus took a little detour down Cesar Chavez street and I couldn't remember which way. But, instead of wandering around lost (it's about 11pm by this time), I decided to walk back on Robert the way I came until I get back to a bus stop. I got to the stop just as the bus was pulling up (thank you God!). Turns out I went the wrong way down Cesar Chavez. And, now I have a couple blisters on my feet. Happy happy joy joy.
Well, today, when I looked at my schedule again, it says 6th st. and Jackson/Robert. That makes me think that Jackson is the same as Robert St. But, rather than get ticked off, I'll just see the positive that I got exercise yesterday..... A LOT of exercise.
Monday, April 25, 2005
Dante's Inferno test
I got this from my sister. I read Dante's Divine Comedy in highschool so I thought this'd be kinda interesting.
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test
The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
| Level | Score |
|---|---|
| Purgatory (Repenting Believers) | Very High |
| Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) | Low |
| Level 2 (Lustful) | Moderate |
| Level 3 (Gluttonous) | High |
| Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) | Moderate |
| Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) | Moderate |
| Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) | Very Low |
| Level 7 (Violent) | Very High |
| Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) | Moderate |
| Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) | Very Low |
Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test
New place
Well, I've officially moved in to my sister's place in West Saint Paul. I'm still a bit freaked out just cuz this is quite a big change for me. I'm excited, though.
I'm spending today just kinda hanging out. I was gonna walk around and job hunt, but it's too cold out. I'm definitely going tomorrow, though, no matter the weather (unless it's raining of course) cuz I don't wanna get lazy here.
This morning was quite interesting. I don't have my bed set up in the basement yet due to the fact that my sister's guy friend Mario hasn't taken out the wet bar. So anyway, I slept on the couch. My two nieces have to get up at about 6:00am so the oldest can go to school, the youngest to day care, and my sister to work. I'm a light sleeper anyway so I was vaguely aware that they were up. But, at roughly 6:30, my youngest niece Gia, who'll be 3 years old in August, runs into the living room yelling, "Auntie Nikki, Auntie Nikki wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!" She's lucky she's so adorable otherwise I might've had to be a little miffed. :)
My sister gets off work at 4pm and she then picks up her kids, brings them home to feed them quick, then takes them over to a friend's while she's in school in the evenings. I wasn't planning on doing anything much tonight, and Tina (my sister) knew that, but didn't wanna bother me with watching her kids even though Kyla (pronounced Kay-la) was practically begging to stay here tonight. Her regular sitter backed out at the last minute this afternoon so, after Mario telling her to call me and her other sitter telling her not to, that she'd watch the girls, Tina called and asked how I felt about it. I told her I would. After all, like I said, I didn't have any plans and I'm not really gonna be here a whole lot this weekend to see 'em. So...yeah. We'll probably just hang out, order pizza, and watch some movies.
Well, I think I'm gonna hook up my XBox and liquify my brain a bit.
dreamer
I'm spending today just kinda hanging out. I was gonna walk around and job hunt, but it's too cold out. I'm definitely going tomorrow, though, no matter the weather (unless it's raining of course) cuz I don't wanna get lazy here.
This morning was quite interesting. I don't have my bed set up in the basement yet due to the fact that my sister's guy friend Mario hasn't taken out the wet bar. So anyway, I slept on the couch. My two nieces have to get up at about 6:00am so the oldest can go to school, the youngest to day care, and my sister to work. I'm a light sleeper anyway so I was vaguely aware that they were up. But, at roughly 6:30, my youngest niece Gia, who'll be 3 years old in August, runs into the living room yelling, "Auntie Nikki, Auntie Nikki wake up! Wake up, wake up, wake up!" She's lucky she's so adorable otherwise I might've had to be a little miffed. :)
My sister gets off work at 4pm and she then picks up her kids, brings them home to feed them quick, then takes them over to a friend's while she's in school in the evenings. I wasn't planning on doing anything much tonight, and Tina (my sister) knew that, but didn't wanna bother me with watching her kids even though Kyla (pronounced Kay-la) was practically begging to stay here tonight. Her regular sitter backed out at the last minute this afternoon so, after Mario telling her to call me and her other sitter telling her not to, that she'd watch the girls, Tina called and asked how I felt about it. I told her I would. After all, like I said, I didn't have any plans and I'm not really gonna be here a whole lot this weekend to see 'em. So...yeah. We'll probably just hang out, order pizza, and watch some movies.
Well, I think I'm gonna hook up my XBox and liquify my brain a bit.
dreamer
Sunday, April 10, 2005
Finally
Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while. I know it's actually only been about two weeks, but it feels a LOT longer.
I've been doing this Celebrate Recovery thing for a while now. Wednesday nights isn't too big of a deal for me. By that I mean I don't have too much of a freak out before or afterward. I don't mind sharing. I even don't mind crying there a whole lot. But Saturday step group is a different story.
So, I don't recall if I've posted much on this before, but Wednesday night is more of a time to tell people how your week has been going and it's a bit more laid back. There's a time of worship music first, then a speaker (either testimony or a talk on a part of whatever step we're on), then we break up into guys and girls and have our tiny groups. But on Saturday is when we dig into each of the twelve steps. The workbooks we're going through have like three different lessons for each step and three steps to a book. There's usually about 6-10 questions for each lesson.
This past Saturday, about midway through the lesson, I started feeling pretty anxious about all the honest sharing that was going on. Not that I had a problem with anyone else, but it was more of a case of me not wanting to deal with my own stuff.
We finished group with each of us praying about our own recovery. I prayed that I wouldn't run and that God would give me the strength to face all this again. Y'see, I started Celebrate Recovery, but dropped it after step 5. So now, I get to do this all over again. :) Boy, I can't wait!
So, yeah. By Saturday evening I was just overwhelmed by anxiety. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry my eyes out or punch someone. I mean, that in and of itself isn't a brand new experience for me, but hey. Honestly, I don't wanna do this. I ranted to a friend on the phone for about a half hour, alternately crying uncontrollably and cursing a blue streak...and sometimes doing both at once (trust me, not a pretty sight). I'm scared and hurting and feeling very alone.
But through all this, as much as I don't wanna acknowledge it, God has my back. I left a voicemail message for another friend, mid freak-out Saturday night. When she returned my message she said a lot that comforted me, but nothing more important that "God is close to the brokenhearted". I can still feel emotion well up in my throat when I think about that. Maybe, if I can just hold onto that...that God is close to me in my brokenheartedness (is that a word?), maybe...just maybe...I can get through this.
dreamer
I've been doing this Celebrate Recovery thing for a while now. Wednesday nights isn't too big of a deal for me. By that I mean I don't have too much of a freak out before or afterward. I don't mind sharing. I even don't mind crying there a whole lot. But Saturday step group is a different story.
So, I don't recall if I've posted much on this before, but Wednesday night is more of a time to tell people how your week has been going and it's a bit more laid back. There's a time of worship music first, then a speaker (either testimony or a talk on a part of whatever step we're on), then we break up into guys and girls and have our tiny groups. But on Saturday is when we dig into each of the twelve steps. The workbooks we're going through have like three different lessons for each step and three steps to a book. There's usually about 6-10 questions for each lesson.
This past Saturday, about midway through the lesson, I started feeling pretty anxious about all the honest sharing that was going on. Not that I had a problem with anyone else, but it was more of a case of me not wanting to deal with my own stuff.
We finished group with each of us praying about our own recovery. I prayed that I wouldn't run and that God would give me the strength to face all this again. Y'see, I started Celebrate Recovery, but dropped it after step 5. So now, I get to do this all over again. :) Boy, I can't wait!
So, yeah. By Saturday evening I was just overwhelmed by anxiety. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry my eyes out or punch someone. I mean, that in and of itself isn't a brand new experience for me, but hey. Honestly, I don't wanna do this. I ranted to a friend on the phone for about a half hour, alternately crying uncontrollably and cursing a blue streak...and sometimes doing both at once (trust me, not a pretty sight). I'm scared and hurting and feeling very alone.
But through all this, as much as I don't wanna acknowledge it, God has my back. I left a voicemail message for another friend, mid freak-out Saturday night. When she returned my message she said a lot that comforted me, but nothing more important that "God is close to the brokenhearted". I can still feel emotion well up in my throat when I think about that. Maybe, if I can just hold onto that...that God is close to me in my brokenheartedness (is that a word?), maybe...just maybe...I can get through this.
dreamer
Tuesday, March 29, 2005
My weekend
Okay, so this past weekend was, without a doubt, the weirdest in a while. My mother and brother went to Illinois Thursday through Sunday with their church's performing arts group and my sister went to her friend's house from Friday to Sunday. So, it was just my dad and I for most of the weekend. I'll explain the 'most' part in a second.
So, friday afternoon my dad decides to go to Taco Bell for dinner with a quick stop at the liquor store and grocery store. So Friday night is spent eating burritos, watching movies, and drinking screwdrivers and whiskey sours (that my dad made for me). He went to bed at about 11:30, but for some reason I was way too paranoid to sleep.
But I digress. Every time I'd doze off, some tiny little sound would jerk me awake in a panic. I ended up playing on the computer til about 5am after which I decided to become ten years old again and I fell asleep, exhausted, with the covers pulled over my head.
Saturday was pretty uneventful. I talked to a few friends on the phone for a while, but that was about it.
So, Sunday. I wake up at 8am even though I set my alarm to not wake me up until 9. I get up anyway, though. Another friend of mine had invited me to spend Easter with her family and she was planning to pick me up at 10:30. Now, she actually warned me in advance that she'd be late, cuz she "always is". But, she didn't end up leaving her home to come get me until 11:15 roughly. Yeah....okay....I can deal with that.
So anyway, we have a veritable feast at her parent's place. Turkey, homemade buttermilk biscuits, homemade cherry and apricot jam, honey (not store bought), homemade gravy, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, and for dessert, homemade chocolate cheesecake. I mean sheesh! I haven't eaten that good or that much in a LONG time. I told everyone that I was gonna move in there if they'd promise to keep feeding me like that. They had also invited another family over. It was the mom, the dad, a teenage daughter, and then little twin girls (I'd say about 9 years old or so).
After lunch we all watched a movie and then I, my friend, and her little 11 year old sister (completely adorable) went out for a walk. They showed me around the farm and such. They grow tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries, grapes (for wine), have cherry trees, have chickens... I mean WOW! They also get their maple syrup from another farm near there. It was pretty cool.
While my friend's dad changed her oil, me and her little sister shot some hoops and then we went in and watched Shark Tale. I've seen it about ten times, but it never gets old and it's always fun to watch movies with other people.
We left there at around 7:30 I think and, on the way home, got invited to another person's house to watch The Incredibles with him and his roommate. It was so much fun.
So, all in all Sunday was my best day. I left at around 11:45 that morning and didn't get back home until 2:00am Monday morning. Yay!!
dreamer
So, friday afternoon my dad decides to go to Taco Bell for dinner with a quick stop at the liquor store and grocery store. So Friday night is spent eating burritos, watching movies, and drinking screwdrivers and whiskey sours (that my dad made for me). He went to bed at about 11:30, but for some reason I was way too paranoid to sleep.
But I digress. Every time I'd doze off, some tiny little sound would jerk me awake in a panic. I ended up playing on the computer til about 5am after which I decided to become ten years old again and I fell asleep, exhausted, with the covers pulled over my head.
Saturday was pretty uneventful. I talked to a few friends on the phone for a while, but that was about it.
So, Sunday. I wake up at 8am even though I set my alarm to not wake me up until 9. I get up anyway, though. Another friend of mine had invited me to spend Easter with her family and she was planning to pick me up at 10:30. Now, she actually warned me in advance that she'd be late, cuz she "always is". But, she didn't end up leaving her home to come get me until 11:15 roughly. Yeah....okay....I can deal with that.
So anyway, we have a veritable feast at her parent's place. Turkey, homemade buttermilk biscuits, homemade cherry and apricot jam, honey (not store bought), homemade gravy, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, and for dessert, homemade chocolate cheesecake. I mean sheesh! I haven't eaten that good or that much in a LONG time. I told everyone that I was gonna move in there if they'd promise to keep feeding me like that. They had also invited another family over. It was the mom, the dad, a teenage daughter, and then little twin girls (I'd say about 9 years old or so).
After lunch we all watched a movie and then I, my friend, and her little 11 year old sister (completely adorable) went out for a walk. They showed me around the farm and such. They grow tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries, grapes (for wine), have cherry trees, have chickens... I mean WOW! They also get their maple syrup from another farm near there. It was pretty cool.
While my friend's dad changed her oil, me and her little sister shot some hoops and then we went in and watched Shark Tale. I've seen it about ten times, but it never gets old and it's always fun to watch movies with other people.
We left there at around 7:30 I think and, on the way home, got invited to another person's house to watch The Incredibles with him and his roommate. It was so much fun.
So, all in all Sunday was my best day. I left at around 11:45 that morning and didn't get back home until 2:00am Monday morning. Yay!!
dreamer
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
been a while
So...um...yeah. I'm not sure what to put here. I have yet to quiet the noise in my head to a level acceptable enough to write something coherent.
I try playing music really loud. It helps, but not for long. I try reading, but the noise is so loud I can't comprehend the author's words. Watching a movie works for only as long as the movie is playing. Silence is the worst. That's when the sound of nothing has free rein; nothing to drown it out.
All this white noise in my head is driving me, if possible, even more insane than I already am.
dreamer
I try playing music really loud. It helps, but not for long. I try reading, but the noise is so loud I can't comprehend the author's words. Watching a movie works for only as long as the movie is playing. Silence is the worst. That's when the sound of nothing has free rein; nothing to drown it out.
All this white noise in my head is driving me, if possible, even more insane than I already am.
dreamer
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Personality disorder test
I got this off of a website a friend gave me. It's kinda interesting. Mostly accurate although a couple things I'd debate.
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
This chick is pretty screwed up, huh? Hehe...I guess as long as I don't let my psychosis define who I am, right?
dreamer
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Moderate
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Very High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: High
This chick is pretty screwed up, huh? Hehe...I guess as long as I don't let my psychosis define who I am, right?
dreamer
Thursday, March 10, 2005
For the women
WHY PUPPIES ARE BETTER THAN BOYFRIENDS!
1. Puppies won't ask you if it's the best puppy you've ever had.
2. A puppy always comes to you when you call it.
3. If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached.
4. All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects.
5. Puppies love you unconditionally.
6. It's OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy.
7. You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies.
8. Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts / more money / better looks / a better body / etc.
9. Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal.
10. Puppies don't "bite the hand that feeds them."
11. Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks.
12. A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.
13. Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room.
14. A puppy won't give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason.
15. You can train your puppy to do tricks--like play dead "all day."
16. If you have a neighbor you don't like, you won't be as embarrassed if your Puppy poops all over his lawn.
17. Puppies don't even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.
18. Puppies won't get jealous of all of your male friends.
19. Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify.
20. A Puppy's face in the toilet bowl is less alarming.
21. Puppies don't leave the toilet seat up.
22. Puppies don't have to show other puppies that it's "the puppy of its house."
23. Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away.
24. Puppies don't do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean.
25. Puppies won't ask "Why don't you look like THAT?" when watching TV.
26. Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair.
27. Puppies don't mind staying home with the kids.
28. Because puppies can't read maps; they have a GOOD excuse for getting lost.
29. Puppies don't have double-standards.
30. There's no such thing as an EX-puppy
1. Puppies won't ask you if it's the best puppy you've ever had.
2. A puppy always comes to you when you call it.
3. If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached.
4. All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects.
5. Puppies love you unconditionally.
6. It's OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy.
7. You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies.
8. Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts / more money / better looks / a better body / etc.
9. Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal.
10. Puppies don't "bite the hand that feeds them."
11. Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks.
12. A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.
13. Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room.
14. A puppy won't give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason.
15. You can train your puppy to do tricks--like play dead "all day."
16. If you have a neighbor you don't like, you won't be as embarrassed if your Puppy poops all over his lawn.
17. Puppies don't even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.
18. Puppies won't get jealous of all of your male friends.
19. Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify.
20. A Puppy's face in the toilet bowl is less alarming.
21. Puppies don't leave the toilet seat up.
22. Puppies don't have to show other puppies that it's "the puppy of its house."
23. Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away.
24. Puppies don't do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean.
25. Puppies won't ask "Why don't you look like THAT?" when watching TV.
26. Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair.
27. Puppies don't mind staying home with the kids.
28. Because puppies can't read maps; they have a GOOD excuse for getting lost.
29. Puppies don't have double-standards.
30. There's no such thing as an EX-puppy
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Shameless, I know. So sue me.
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday dear Nikki!
Happy birthday to me!
Yay!! 21 years old and still kickin'!
Now, where's the nearest bar? ;-)
Happy birthday to me!
Happy birthday dear Nikki!
Happy birthday to me!
Yay!! 21 years old and still kickin'!
Now, where's the nearest bar? ;-)
Monday, March 07, 2005
Don't wanna
For most of the weekend I was thinking about posting on here. I kinda wanted to, but kinda didn't. Now that I'm here, I feel like just posting some trivial, surfacy crap about the weekend and just leave at that.
I had a pretty bad weekend by the way. I know that not writing about it on here won't make the pain go away. It may not even make it any less. But, since I don't have anything better to do right now, I'll let you all in on what's going on. I'm not gonna go into too much detail in order to protect the privacy of the other parties involved, but hopefully you'll get the gist of it.
Okay so Friday night was a little rough. Went to church and pretty soon after the sermon started I felt the dire need to get out of there. A wave of, I guess you could call it depression, hit me all at once, I started comparing myself to everyone, blah blah blah. Pretty soon all I could think about was carving on myself. I mentioned in a previous post about an affinity for sharp objects. That isn't the subject of this particular post so I still won't get into explaining all that, yet.
Saturday I talk to a guy friend that I've known for a long time and have had strong feelings for during the majority of the time I've known him. I find out he went on a date with a female friend of mine who knew of the depth of my feelings for this guy. Whether she conveniently forgot that fact is in question.
It feels like there's this big gaping wound where my heart used to be.
So anyway, she doesn't let me know beforehand that this date is gonna happen, which I've been told is a violation of some girl code. So, now, even though I still care about this girl, I'm feeling somewhat betrayed and am struggling with forgiveness.
I can't really explain how deeply I care for this guy and all I want is for him to be happy. That's why, despite all this hurt, I'm praying for these two friends of mine. I remember a while ago praying that God would bless this guy's life and bring him the best woman for him to marry, even if that woman wasn't me. I guess we'll see if I really meant that.
But...um...yeah. This episode has me wanting to throw in the towel as far as my recovery is concerned. I know that no guy is worth cutting over, but this isn't just another guy to me. I'm trying to throw myself back into concentrating on moving, getting a job, praying for friends, reconnecting with people, etc. But it's so damn hard!
Okay, I'm done being pathetic (at least for like ten minutes or so).
dreamer
I had a pretty bad weekend by the way. I know that not writing about it on here won't make the pain go away. It may not even make it any less. But, since I don't have anything better to do right now, I'll let you all in on what's going on. I'm not gonna go into too much detail in order to protect the privacy of the other parties involved, but hopefully you'll get the gist of it.
Okay so Friday night was a little rough. Went to church and pretty soon after the sermon started I felt the dire need to get out of there. A wave of, I guess you could call it depression, hit me all at once, I started comparing myself to everyone, blah blah blah. Pretty soon all I could think about was carving on myself. I mentioned in a previous post about an affinity for sharp objects. That isn't the subject of this particular post so I still won't get into explaining all that, yet.
Saturday I talk to a guy friend that I've known for a long time and have had strong feelings for during the majority of the time I've known him. I find out he went on a date with a female friend of mine who knew of the depth of my feelings for this guy. Whether she conveniently forgot that fact is in question.
It feels like there's this big gaping wound where my heart used to be.
So anyway, she doesn't let me know beforehand that this date is gonna happen, which I've been told is a violation of some girl code. So, now, even though I still care about this girl, I'm feeling somewhat betrayed and am struggling with forgiveness.
I can't really explain how deeply I care for this guy and all I want is for him to be happy. That's why, despite all this hurt, I'm praying for these two friends of mine. I remember a while ago praying that God would bless this guy's life and bring him the best woman for him to marry, even if that woman wasn't me. I guess we'll see if I really meant that.
But...um...yeah. This episode has me wanting to throw in the towel as far as my recovery is concerned. I know that no guy is worth cutting over, but this isn't just another guy to me. I'm trying to throw myself back into concentrating on moving, getting a job, praying for friends, reconnecting with people, etc. But it's so damn hard!
Okay, I'm done being pathetic (at least for like ten minutes or so).
dreamer
Friday, March 04, 2005
You'd think I'd learn
Well, I spent the time from about 7:00pm last night til about 3:30am this morning watching 5 horror movies, one right after the other. My parental units are out of town this week so, in keeping with his lax standards, my dad rented my sister and I some movies that my mother would die before she'd let in this apartment. You might be thinking that it's not a very good thing that I ask for things from dad that mom wouldn't allow. Maybe you're right. But, that's how it's always been.
When we were out to get the movies, we also stopped at Rainbow to get icecream. I wanted mountain dew and saw that they had 2 liters on sale 5 for $5. Now 2 liters are normally about a buck a piece anyway, but I don't care. I got two regular dews and two code reds. Yummy!
So anyway, the first movie watched was The Grudge. Pretty cool, albeit a bit confusing at first with all the jumps back in time explaining things. My sister, trying to sound smart again, said that's usually how japanese films are; they explain as they go rather than at the end. This movie was watched amid eating dominoes pizza and we had to pause it so dad could answer the door when the pizza came and a couple times so he could go get his clothes (he was doing laundry in preparation for leaving to drive a charter to Michigan for the weekend). The movie was pretty creepy, but with all the afore mentioned things it wasn't too bad. It also had a lot of really stupid moves by the characters (like actually going to investigateg the weird noises in the attic) that made it a bit hilarious.
The rest of the movies were The Saw, Fear of the Dark (not bad), Wrong Turn (gory), and 28 Days Later (saw it already, but my sister hadn't). You think I'd learn not to freak the crap outta myself by watching scary movies. I started watching horror movies at about age 3 thanks to dear old dad (yeah I remember that far back). I remember growing up scared of the dark, looking into mirrors, the basement, toys that come alive, blah blah blah. Yet, I kept watching. A lot of it was probably not wanting to appear weak around my sister by being scared, but it also might've been a bit of seeing how much I could take; seeing what they would have to come up with to make my stomach turn a bit. Not much does it anymore. The last time was watching Ghost Ship. Within the first ten minutes they killed about thirty or more people. And it was by no means instantaneous for everyone. I won't go into detail, though, for those of you with weak stomachs.
Funny side note...my sister got scared of Jurassic Park. She woke me up in the middle of the night cuz she was convinced that there was a Delophosaurus (sp?) under her bed. Y'know the carnivore that spits that venom stuff that blinds and paralyzes you. She then thought she saw a shadow move in the hall and had me shine a light out there.
So anyway, apparently I haven't had enough of checking over my shoulder and dozing off with the lights on only to be jolted awake at the very slightest sound. I mean it's bad enough dealing with natural paranoia without adding to it by watching all these horror movies. Maybe one day I'll learn. Maybe.
dreamer
p.s I haven't been to sleep yet since about 6am yesterday morning.
When we were out to get the movies, we also stopped at Rainbow to get icecream. I wanted mountain dew and saw that they had 2 liters on sale 5 for $5. Now 2 liters are normally about a buck a piece anyway, but I don't care. I got two regular dews and two code reds. Yummy!
So anyway, the first movie watched was The Grudge. Pretty cool, albeit a bit confusing at first with all the jumps back in time explaining things. My sister, trying to sound smart again, said that's usually how japanese films are; they explain as they go rather than at the end. This movie was watched amid eating dominoes pizza and we had to pause it so dad could answer the door when the pizza came and a couple times so he could go get his clothes (he was doing laundry in preparation for leaving to drive a charter to Michigan for the weekend). The movie was pretty creepy, but with all the afore mentioned things it wasn't too bad. It also had a lot of really stupid moves by the characters (like actually going to investigateg the weird noises in the attic) that made it a bit hilarious.
The rest of the movies were The Saw, Fear of the Dark (not bad), Wrong Turn (gory), and 28 Days Later (saw it already, but my sister hadn't). You think I'd learn not to freak the crap outta myself by watching scary movies. I started watching horror movies at about age 3 thanks to dear old dad (yeah I remember that far back). I remember growing up scared of the dark, looking into mirrors, the basement, toys that come alive, blah blah blah. Yet, I kept watching. A lot of it was probably not wanting to appear weak around my sister by being scared, but it also might've been a bit of seeing how much I could take; seeing what they would have to come up with to make my stomach turn a bit. Not much does it anymore. The last time was watching Ghost Ship. Within the first ten minutes they killed about thirty or more people. And it was by no means instantaneous for everyone. I won't go into detail, though, for those of you with weak stomachs.
Funny side note...my sister got scared of Jurassic Park. She woke me up in the middle of the night cuz she was convinced that there was a Delophosaurus (sp?) under her bed. Y'know the carnivore that spits that venom stuff that blinds and paralyzes you. She then thought she saw a shadow move in the hall and had me shine a light out there.
So anyway, apparently I haven't had enough of checking over my shoulder and dozing off with the lights on only to be jolted awake at the very slightest sound. I mean it's bad enough dealing with natural paranoia without adding to it by watching all these horror movies. Maybe one day I'll learn. Maybe.
dreamer
p.s I haven't been to sleep yet since about 6am yesterday morning.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
It feels like the weekend
There are those rare moments when it feels like the weekend right smack dab in the middle of the week. I cherish those times. The reason being, the official weekend is still ahead. Yay! I probably feel this way cuz I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and saw quite a few people that I only see on Friday nights.
As to C.R., I hadn't expected to share anything. I was just gonna sit there and evaluate the situation, like I always do, before I open up. Doing that minimizes any potential harm from threats that may exist. You might be thinking that I'm paranoid...and maybe I am a little, but you don't get where I am without being cautious of how much people know after first meeting you. Aparently, there wasn't too much of a threat there cuz I told a lot. Not all mind you, but a lot. I think it was cuz another girl in the group shared a particulary personal struggle, one I myself have dealt with on a daily basis since about 8 years old. That, my friends, would be an affinity for sharp objects. For those who don't see what I'm getting at, it's called self-harm, self-injury, self-mutilation, blah blah blah. But, I won't go into that yet.
So, yeah, the weekend. My mom and brother just left for a weekend in Canada. They're in a performing arts group called Messengers at their church. Thus far they've only performed here in the cities; their church, Coon Rapids, and a couple other smaller churches. But this year they're going to Canada, Illinois, and Colorado, as well and a couple here. I must admit that I'm a little jealous, seeing as how I've been out of state once and never out of the country, but it's cool. I'm only 20. I'm sure I'll have my chance.
Speaking of being 20...I won't be for long. My 21st birthday is now less than a week away. Okay it's 6 days, but that's still less than a week. :) Yippeeee!!!
dreamer
As to C.R., I hadn't expected to share anything. I was just gonna sit there and evaluate the situation, like I always do, before I open up. Doing that minimizes any potential harm from threats that may exist. You might be thinking that I'm paranoid...and maybe I am a little, but you don't get where I am without being cautious of how much people know after first meeting you. Aparently, there wasn't too much of a threat there cuz I told a lot. Not all mind you, but a lot. I think it was cuz another girl in the group shared a particulary personal struggle, one I myself have dealt with on a daily basis since about 8 years old. That, my friends, would be an affinity for sharp objects. For those who don't see what I'm getting at, it's called self-harm, self-injury, self-mutilation, blah blah blah. But, I won't go into that yet.
So, yeah, the weekend. My mom and brother just left for a weekend in Canada. They're in a performing arts group called Messengers at their church. Thus far they've only performed here in the cities; their church, Coon Rapids, and a couple other smaller churches. But this year they're going to Canada, Illinois, and Colorado, as well and a couple here. I must admit that I'm a little jealous, seeing as how I've been out of state once and never out of the country, but it's cool. I'm only 20. I'm sure I'll have my chance.
Speaking of being 20...I won't be for long. My 21st birthday is now less than a week away. Okay it's 6 days, but that's still less than a week. :) Yippeeee!!!
dreamer
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Wow, congratulations to me. I didn't post for a whole two days. *pats self on the back* I guess I can't take all the credit, though. Some due is to be paid to my kidney stone. Yep, that's right, 20 years old (21 in a week and a half) and already getting kidney stones. It felt like someone was filleting my kidney. Although, the pain of this one wasn't that bad thanks to the lovely drug percoset (legally prescribed for me by a doctor). However, the first time, HOLY CRAP!! Those that know me well know that I have a high pain tolerance. But, the pain of that first stone had me leaning up against the wall deep breathing one moment and then doubled over on the floor crying the next. Thankfully, I got in to see the doctor about three hours after it started (woke up at 5:15 with the pain). I never wanna experience pain that bad EVER again.
So...um...yeah.
dreamer
So...um...yeah.
dreamer
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Another day
So today was pretty laid back (in other words...boring as hell!) Well, technically I suppose hell wouldn't be boring. But I digress.
Spent most of the day reading blogs again. Peter you are one disturbed individual. You go boy!! I watched a seriously disturbing movie with Dennis Hopper in it. It's called Spreading Ground and I got it for $3.00 at Wal-Mart. Now, I've heard a lot of people say how Wal-Mart is a tool of the Devil, but I for one love it there. I've tried to get a job there on numerous occasions but apparently am not evil enough for the job.
So this movie...Dennis Hopper is a detective and he's supposed to find this serial killer. Also, the mayor makes a deal with the mob to also try and find this guy and make sure there isn't a trial. So the detective has to find the killer before the mob does. It starts out with 5 dead girls being found in various bodies of water. All in all I think the guy kills like 7 or 8 girls. His reason being that, in his demented little world, he's freeing them from pain and loss of innocence. See, when he was a little boy, his wheelchair bound sister was being molested by their dad. The way he helped her was wheeling her out to their dock (he looked about 10) and pushing her, wheelchair and all, into the river. All in all, like I said, disturbing movie.
I read some more blog posts to get some semblance of normality back into my brain. *grinz* Guess I shouldn't have read Peter's blog again.
For dinner my family and I went to New China Buffet where I ate until I hurt. You think after 20 years I'd learn to be more careful...but their eggrolls are to die for. Yummy! Anyway, after that I went to Game Stop which is almost right next door. I let my little brother con me into buying him Luigi's Mansion for GameCube as an early birthday present (his birthday is in July). I seriously have a hard time saying no to that boy. He's so adorable. As soon as I figure out how, I'll post a pic of him on here. I also bought Chronicles of Riddick Escape from Butcher Bay on XBox for me.
When I got home, I collapsed on the floor from too many eggrolls and too much visual stimulation in Game Stop. My body couldn't handle it all and just shut down. Thankfully I was out of the way for the most part so my family didn't have to do too much stepping over me. When I awoke, it was only 9:30pm. My brother, of course, was playing his new video game and my older sister was watching. I decided to try out my new game, planning on playing it til the wee hours of the morning.
I wouldn't really define myself as a gamer or video game junkie. Yeah, I play quite a bit, mostly cuz I don't have a job and am moving in about a month so it'd be pointless to try and get a job here. I do guzzle mountain dew if given the chance and have been known to eat cheetos despite the complete lack of nutritional value. However I don't really feel at all awkward around the opposite gender and don't stay up til 5 am because I just have to beat "corny game title" or my intestines will burst from my abdomen and I'll drown in a puddle of my own vomit and blood.
Anyway, so I got a good ways into the game and after slitting throats and snapping a few necks I was down in the bowels of the prison on my way to escape. Now, of course, nothing good can survive in utter darkness where nothing enters except really bad cons when they get outta line. So, when I get thrown in "the pit" (actually Riddick tackles a guard, using him to break his fall) I get a message that the light on my rifle was damaged in the fall and will shut off in six minutes...go figure. So I start toolin' along...round a corner...and BAM!! I run right into a creature I assume used to be a prisoner. It walks/shuffles kinda like Quasimodo when he's constipated...and they probably sound about the same, too. Now, I'm ashamed to say, but I freaked and aparently shrieked cuz my mother ran into the room and asked what was wrong. I'm truly not that easy to scare, but just wasn't expecting something like that so soon.
Sufficed to say, I decided that I'll wait til it's a bit more light out to play some more. I have freaky enough dreams as it is.
dreamer
Spent most of the day reading blogs again. Peter you are one disturbed individual. You go boy!! I watched a seriously disturbing movie with Dennis Hopper in it. It's called Spreading Ground and I got it for $3.00 at Wal-Mart. Now, I've heard a lot of people say how Wal-Mart is a tool of the Devil, but I for one love it there. I've tried to get a job there on numerous occasions but apparently am not evil enough for the job.
So this movie...Dennis Hopper is a detective and he's supposed to find this serial killer. Also, the mayor makes a deal with the mob to also try and find this guy and make sure there isn't a trial. So the detective has to find the killer before the mob does. It starts out with 5 dead girls being found in various bodies of water. All in all I think the guy kills like 7 or 8 girls. His reason being that, in his demented little world, he's freeing them from pain and loss of innocence. See, when he was a little boy, his wheelchair bound sister was being molested by their dad. The way he helped her was wheeling her out to their dock (he looked about 10) and pushing her, wheelchair and all, into the river. All in all, like I said, disturbing movie.
I read some more blog posts to get some semblance of normality back into my brain. *grinz* Guess I shouldn't have read Peter's blog again.
For dinner my family and I went to New China Buffet where I ate until I hurt. You think after 20 years I'd learn to be more careful...but their eggrolls are to die for. Yummy! Anyway, after that I went to Game Stop which is almost right next door. I let my little brother con me into buying him Luigi's Mansion for GameCube as an early birthday present (his birthday is in July). I seriously have a hard time saying no to that boy. He's so adorable. As soon as I figure out how, I'll post a pic of him on here. I also bought Chronicles of Riddick Escape from Butcher Bay on XBox for me.
When I got home, I collapsed on the floor from too many eggrolls and too much visual stimulation in Game Stop. My body couldn't handle it all and just shut down. Thankfully I was out of the way for the most part so my family didn't have to do too much stepping over me. When I awoke, it was only 9:30pm. My brother, of course, was playing his new video game and my older sister was watching. I decided to try out my new game, planning on playing it til the wee hours of the morning.
I wouldn't really define myself as a gamer or video game junkie. Yeah, I play quite a bit, mostly cuz I don't have a job and am moving in about a month so it'd be pointless to try and get a job here. I do guzzle mountain dew if given the chance and have been known to eat cheetos despite the complete lack of nutritional value. However I don't really feel at all awkward around the opposite gender and don't stay up til 5 am because I just have to beat "corny game title" or my intestines will burst from my abdomen and I'll drown in a puddle of my own vomit and blood.
Anyway, so I got a good ways into the game and after slitting throats and snapping a few necks I was down in the bowels of the prison on my way to escape. Now, of course, nothing good can survive in utter darkness where nothing enters except really bad cons when they get outta line. So, when I get thrown in "the pit" (actually Riddick tackles a guard, using him to break his fall) I get a message that the light on my rifle was damaged in the fall and will shut off in six minutes...go figure. So I start toolin' along...round a corner...and BAM!! I run right into a creature I assume used to be a prisoner. It walks/shuffles kinda like Quasimodo when he's constipated...and they probably sound about the same, too. Now, I'm ashamed to say, but I freaked and aparently shrieked cuz my mother ran into the room and asked what was wrong. I'm truly not that easy to scare, but just wasn't expecting something like that so soon.
Sufficed to say, I decided that I'll wait til it's a bit more light out to play some more. I have freaky enough dreams as it is.
dreamer
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Who I am
Thanks KG...fairly insightful. But then again, I always knew I was genius prone. *grinz* Yeah right.
Overall:
Melancholy:13
Phlegmatic:20
Sanguine:2
Choleric:5
Strengths:
Melancholy:8
Phlegmatic:8
Sanguine:1
Choleric:3
Weakneses:
Melancholy:5
Phlegmatic:12
Sanguine:1
Choleric:2
The Melancholy:
Deep and thoughtfully
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Philosophical and poetic
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
Melancholy as a friend:
Makes friends cautiously
Content to stay in background
Avoids causing attention
Faithful and devoted
Will listen to complaints
Can solve other's problems
Deep concern for other people
Moved to tears with compassion
Seeks ideal mate (yeah right)
The Phlegmatic:
Low-key personality
Easygoing and relaxed
Calm, cool and collected
Patient well balanced
Consistent life
Quiet but witty
Sympathetic and kind
Keeps emotions hidden
Happily reconciled to life
All-purpose person
The Phlegmatic as a friend:
Easy to get along with
Pleasant and enjoyable
Inoffensive
Good listener
Dry sense of humor
Enjoys watching people
Has many friends
Has compassion and concern
Overall:
Melancholy:13
Phlegmatic:20
Sanguine:2
Choleric:5
Strengths:
Melancholy:8
Phlegmatic:8
Sanguine:1
Choleric:3
Weakneses:
Melancholy:5
Phlegmatic:12
Sanguine:1
Choleric:2
The Melancholy:
Deep and thoughtfully
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Philosophical and poetic
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic
Melancholy as a friend:
Makes friends cautiously
Content to stay in background
Avoids causing attention
Faithful and devoted
Will listen to complaints
Can solve other's problems
Deep concern for other people
Moved to tears with compassion
Seeks ideal mate (yeah right)
The Phlegmatic:
Low-key personality
Easygoing and relaxed
Calm, cool and collected
Patient well balanced
Consistent life
Quiet but witty
Sympathetic and kind
Keeps emotions hidden
Happily reconciled to life
All-purpose person
The Phlegmatic as a friend:
Easy to get along with
Pleasant and enjoyable
Inoffensive
Good listener
Dry sense of humor
Enjoys watching people
Has many friends
Has compassion and concern
How'd they know?
I didn't get this off a blog that doesn't exist. If you go to this website, it'll tell you what job you're supposed to have.
They knew I was a trained assassin. Not even my own mother knows that! Guess I better watch my back.
http://www.jobpredictor.com
dreamer
They knew I was a trained assassin. Not even my own mother knows that! Guess I better watch my back.
http://www.jobpredictor.com
dreamer
Monday, February 21, 2005
Romans 7:15,18-19, 24
Okay, first I barely post at all, now I'm like obsessively posting.
Anyway, I finally read more that like five verses in my bible this morning. I read a whole chapter. I like pretty much anything Paul writes cuz I feel like he and I have a lot in common. Except, he's a guy, he was a disciple, he understood God a little better than I do I think....but besides all that, we're practically the same person. teehee
So, Romans 7:15, 18-19, 24
15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
18-19 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
This has been going through my mind for a long while. Particularly verse 24. I couldn't remember where in the bible it was, just that Paul had written it.
My friend Dave and I recently had a pretty intense conversation...like any of our conversations aren't intense. Dave, by the way, is the friend that wanted me to end the relationship with that guy. So, in our conversation he was saying that he was thankful that I seemed to have the hard part down; that I wasn't like the people who say 'thank God I'm not like them!' I admit, sometime I do that, but then I remember how wretched I am. I don't have any gradiose visions of myself and my worth apart from Christ. But, here's the problem with this...
Sometiems I get so caught up in the "wretched 'man' that I am! Who will save me" part that I forget what comes next...verse 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
I was gonna just leave it at the first sentence, but maybe I can bumble my way through figuring out what the next part means. I'm already counted righteous cuz God looks at me through the perfectness of Jesus. In my flesh I'm far from righteous, though. The verses in between the ones I included talk about that since I do what I don't want to do, I agree that the law is good. In my mind, I do know that the law is good and that what I do is wrong according to that law. So, in my mind I serve the law of God (what God says is right and wrong), but in my flesh I serve the law of sin (what my body says is right and wrong).
I have a natural tendency to want to go according to what my body says is right. i.e. what feels good is right and what feels bad is wrong. Unfortunately that tends to get me in a bit of trouble and I'm worse off after I've had my 'fun'.
I dunno. Seemed I was going good for a minute there. This is just a bit of my uneducated interpretation, but maybe I'm just talkin' out of my rear.
dreamer
Anyway, I finally read more that like five verses in my bible this morning. I read a whole chapter. I like pretty much anything Paul writes cuz I feel like he and I have a lot in common. Except, he's a guy, he was a disciple, he understood God a little better than I do I think....but besides all that, we're practically the same person. teehee
So, Romans 7:15, 18-19, 24
15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
18-19 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?
This has been going through my mind for a long while. Particularly verse 24. I couldn't remember where in the bible it was, just that Paul had written it.
My friend Dave and I recently had a pretty intense conversation...like any of our conversations aren't intense. Dave, by the way, is the friend that wanted me to end the relationship with that guy. So, in our conversation he was saying that he was thankful that I seemed to have the hard part down; that I wasn't like the people who say 'thank God I'm not like them!' I admit, sometime I do that, but then I remember how wretched I am. I don't have any gradiose visions of myself and my worth apart from Christ. But, here's the problem with this...
Sometiems I get so caught up in the "wretched 'man' that I am! Who will save me" part that I forget what comes next...verse 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.
I was gonna just leave it at the first sentence, but maybe I can bumble my way through figuring out what the next part means. I'm already counted righteous cuz God looks at me through the perfectness of Jesus. In my flesh I'm far from righteous, though. The verses in between the ones I included talk about that since I do what I don't want to do, I agree that the law is good. In my mind, I do know that the law is good and that what I do is wrong according to that law. So, in my mind I serve the law of God (what God says is right and wrong), but in my flesh I serve the law of sin (what my body says is right and wrong).
I have a natural tendency to want to go according to what my body says is right. i.e. what feels good is right and what feels bad is wrong. Unfortunately that tends to get me in a bit of trouble and I'm worse off after I've had my 'fun'.
I dunno. Seemed I was going good for a minute there. This is just a bit of my uneducated interpretation, but maybe I'm just talkin' out of my rear.
dreamer
Can't sleep
It's almost 1 am and I can't sleep. Not surprised. I'm an insomniac. I usually take medication for it, but for a while didn't really need it. But, with all that's gone one lately and what with reading tons of posts on friend's blogs, my brain is all a jumble.
(name has been starred out for privacy's sake)
>I am afraid that if I talk about my heart or my dreams or my fears that I will be rejected. That >you wont like "that" ******. Insecurities are funny that way. But who am I really writing for? >Who am I afraid of? The truth is I need to write like I need to breathe. I need an outlet, a place >to express and explore what I am feeling and seeing. I think sometimes I may have to write >what is on my heart if it it doesn't tell the best story. I am learning that I don't need to write so >that you understand me, I need to write so that I understand myself....
This was written in a post by a friend I haven't seen in a long time...years. It seems as though, for the time being, other people are able to say for me what I can't figure out to say for myself. Earlier in her post, this friend described how she loved to write; used it as an outlet. That was me in highschool. I'd write and write until my wrist ached and I could barely hold the pencil. I had notebooks full of disjointed paragraphs and half finished thoughts. I could hardly hold a thought in my head long enough to write it down sometimes.
But, since I left highschool (and got on anti depressants and mood stabilizers) it seems that creativeness has left. I'm hoping this blog will help me rediscover that.
If you read that post excerpt again, you can maybe understand part of the reason I haven't given my blog address to any of my friends. A couple of them know my past better than my own mother, but there's still that fear that the inner workings of my mind will freak them out. Hell, it freaks me out sometimes.
But, I'm not posting to please anyone. I have a fear that people will leave, but it's not like that'd be something new. I need to write in order to get some of this junk out of my brain and maybe find out that it's not so insane. I suppose, if she, my friend, can write out what she has for all her friends to see, then I can try and be as brave and do the same.
dreamer
(name has been starred out for privacy's sake)
>I am afraid that if I talk about my heart or my dreams or my fears that I will be rejected. That >you wont like "that" ******. Insecurities are funny that way. But who am I really writing for? >Who am I afraid of? The truth is I need to write like I need to breathe. I need an outlet, a place >to express and explore what I am feeling and seeing. I think sometimes I may have to write >what is on my heart if it it doesn't tell the best story. I am learning that I don't need to write so >that you understand me, I need to write so that I understand myself....
This was written in a post by a friend I haven't seen in a long time...years. It seems as though, for the time being, other people are able to say for me what I can't figure out to say for myself. Earlier in her post, this friend described how she loved to write; used it as an outlet. That was me in highschool. I'd write and write until my wrist ached and I could barely hold the pencil. I had notebooks full of disjointed paragraphs and half finished thoughts. I could hardly hold a thought in my head long enough to write it down sometimes.
But, since I left highschool (and got on anti depressants and mood stabilizers) it seems that creativeness has left. I'm hoping this blog will help me rediscover that.
If you read that post excerpt again, you can maybe understand part of the reason I haven't given my blog address to any of my friends. A couple of them know my past better than my own mother, but there's still that fear that the inner workings of my mind will freak them out. Hell, it freaks me out sometimes.
But, I'm not posting to please anyone. I have a fear that people will leave, but it's not like that'd be something new. I need to write in order to get some of this junk out of my brain and maybe find out that it's not so insane. I suppose, if she, my friend, can write out what she has for all her friends to see, then I can try and be as brave and do the same.
dreamer
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