Spiritual attack??

Okay, so for the past month or so I've been having a lot of anxiety. First, it was due to my job. The job lasted for three days, but I still had a lot of generalized anxiety. I talked to my doctor and he increased the dosage of one of my medications that's supposed to help with anxiety. It helped a little, but not much and not for long.

I mentioned my recent job at Super America. The first two days of training I was a little nervous, but it wasn't too bad. The third day of training, I started crying in the car when my mom dropped me off cuz I was so anxious. But, I went in and worked anyway. But then what was to be my second day of working at the location on 25th and Bloomington was a totally different story. By mid morning I was starting to feel really anxious and was crying. I prayed and prayed and it didn't seem to get any better. I was talking with my roommate and that wasn't helping any. I tried calling people and nobody answered their phones. I decided to call work and let them know I couldn't be there. However, I was in such a state that my roommate had to call for me. I was sobbing and starting to hyperventilate. It was not a pretty sight, let me tell you.

By the afternoon I was so frustrated with this anxiety that I was honestly thinking of suicide. I had left a message for a friend of mine that goes to my mom's church so she called back and we talked for a bit. She agreed that some of the anxiety could be due to all the changes that have been happening (moving twice, new job, being independent and away from my mom), but that I've also been taking huge steps towards growth in my walk with God (Celebrate Recovery, living with Christian women, regular devotions, being open about my struggles) and that Satan doesn't like that and will do everything he can to hinder that growth. I also had called my pastor earlier, but he wasn't home so I left a message. He called back and I told him that I was considering suicide and the option to not have to deal with this anxiety day in and day out and it being so bad that I couldn't function. He lovingly explained that suicide is an option that I should just banish from my mind. He also said that lots of people have to deal with the pain and hardship of growing up and maturing and that it's not a piece of cake and that if I fight through this and don't give up, that I'll be stronger and better for it. That helped.

But, then this morning, I had my devos and came across something that causes me to think that this anxiety could be a form of spiritual attack. I'd never thought of that before. The book is authored by John and Stasi Eldridge. Stasi writes in relation to dizzy spells, but I immediately thought of anxiety.

"About eleven years ago, John brought home a book by Neil Anderson. I think it was The Bondage Breaker. John had begun to encounter spiritual warfare issues in some of the folks he was counseling and wanted to learn a little more about it. Curious, I opened the book and began to read some of the case histories Dr. Anderson writes about. One in particular caught my attention. He described a woman who was often dizzy. The feeling of dizziness would frequently come upon her and throw her off balance both physically and spirutally. Huh, I though. I get dizzy a lot too. I mentioned this to John, and he was totally surprised. He never knew this about me. It was something I had lived with or under for years, but it never occurred to me to tell him about it. To me, it was normal.
It's amaxing was we will live with because we think it's normal when it is not.
So we decided to perform an experiment. The next time a wave of dizziness came over me, I would command it in the name of Jesus to depart from me and see what happened. I didn't have to wait long. The next day I was busy with the activites of my daily life and suddenly, out of nowhere, I got hit with dizziness. I prayed and commanded the dizziness to leave in the authority of Jesus' name. And guess what? It left! Imediately. I was stunned. The next wave came later, and I prayed again. Again it left. Whoa! Something was going on here that was completely foreign to me. A whole new dimension of Christianity opened up for me. The dizziness was a form of spiritual attack. That whole Ephesians Passage about putting on the armor of God...he meant it. We would need it.
The dizzy spells (interesting phrase) did not cease quickly. In fact, they increased, both in number and intensity. I had to learn to stand and to keep standing, "resist him, standing firm in the faith," as Peter urged (1 Pet. 5:9). I had to learn in a new way to "not grow weary in doing good" (2 Thess. 3:13 NKJV), and to "pray without ceasing" (1 Thess. 5:17 NKJV). It was as if the assaulting spirit)s) didn't believe I would stand firm against them and so they kept trying.
I got hit a few weeks later with a wave of dizziness that knocked me off my feet. From the ground, I prayed again, commanding it to leave me in the name of Jesus Christ. It did. And I have never been assaulted by dizziness again. Something that I had lived with for decades is now gone, for good. Through the experience of standing firm against the attack of dizziness, God had begun to train my hands and my heart for battle."


So I'm thinking that I'm going to try a little experiment of my own. Granted, if a wave of anxiety hits me at work, I can't very well rebuke the spirit out loud (although in the neighborhood I work in it wouldn't be all that strange), but I can pray in my head for God's strength to get through it. But, if it hits any other time, I'm definitely going to rebuke it in Jesus' name.

I think I'm really going to like reading this chapter. It's entitled "Warrior Princesses". In the first section of the chapter, Stasi writes that "there's a mighty fierceness set in the hearts of women by God" and that "there is something incredibly fierce in the heart of a woman that is to be contended with -- not dismissed, not disdained, but recognized honored, welcomed, and trained." I like that :)

dreamer

First official day

Today was my first day at the SuperAmerica on 25th and Bloomington. Three words....Bullet Proof Glass. One of my roommates isn't too cool with the fact that they have it (need it) there, but hey, what can ya do.

I was having a bit of anxiety for most of the day. I went shopping with my mom and bought work clothes and some tennis shoes. I'm on my feet for pretty much the whole 8 hours I'm at work so I needed better shoes (although my feet still hurt soooooooo bad right now). My mom said she'd drop me off at work and, when we got there, I started to cry. I didn't wanna work cuz of the anxiety I was feeling, but I wanted to be able to work. I HATE anxiety!!! But, it worked out for the most part.

I was originally scheduled for 4pm - 11pm, but was asked if I could come in at 3 instead. Of course I said it wouldn't be a problem. I didn't leave until about 1am. They usually have three people working second shift, but it was just me and a guy named Yonas. So, we had to wait until close to restock most of the stuff.

Oh, funny thing (well, depends on what one finds funny), within a couple hours of being there, Yonas had to close his bullet proof window and call security cuz some guy was being really beligerant to both of us. The guy left me alone for the most part after I told him it was my first day and I couldn't really do anything about his complaint. But...um...yeah.

Cool thing was that Yonas gave me a ride home. I grew up not far from there and I wonder if David (the asst. manager) is being a little dramatic when he describes how bad the neighborhood is, but I was still thankful for the ride. I wasn't really looking forward to walking six blocks at 1am and then waiting for a bus on Lake St. for who knows how long.

Anyway, I better leave it at that. I'm eating Ramen noodles and then I'm gonna go to bed.

If you could, pray for me that God takes away my anxiety, helps me keep a smile on my face when dealing with people, that I'd remember the stuff I'm being taught, and that He'd use me.

dreamer

Me = BORED!!!!!

Okay, so I am totally and unarguably bored outta my freakin' skull!!!

I got home from work at about 4:15 or so. One of my roommates had had a rough day so I let her vent and then asked some questions that I knew she knew the answer to, but my point was to get her to think about things that she might've been trying to avoid thinking about. I tried as best I could to comfort and encourage her, which is just fair since she listened to me rant and cry and vent last night and she comforted and encouraged me.

But my point...said roommate is now over at her parent's house and then she's going to a movie with a friend after that. Another roommate went camping and won't be back until Sunday night, and the last roommate is, as of yet, unaccounted for. I'm thinking she might be working 'til 8pm and I sent her a text message asking if that was the case, but I haven't heard back. My exact message to her was, "R u working til 8? Cuz i'm going nutso here by myself."

Ain't that the truth. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I drank two Monster energy drinks within the space of about a half hour or so. I washed dishes, I cleaned a bit, did some laundry, and played BloodRayne II for a while. I finally started pacing around the room, sitting at the computer to check email, paced a little more, and now I'm putting yet another post on here. I really want a cigarette if for no other reason than to calm me down a bit.

ARRRRGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!

Okay, I'm done. I'm gonna go pace some more.

dreamer

God is so freakin' cool!!!!

I had my first day of training today. I haven't mentioned on here yet, but I got the job at SuperAmerica. Right now I'm training at the one on 47th and Cedar, but after Saturday I'll be moving to the one on 25th and Bloomington.

So, training went alright. I was sorta nervous when I started. One scary thing that happened right off what the manager, Musa (pronounced Moosa), asked if I was sure I'd been told to come in at 7am and not 8. Grrr. It was the same at Arby's. Got a little freaked out then, but made myself step back and take a deep breath. So, I filled out my paperwork (which is probably why I was told to come in at 7) and within about 10-15 minutes of watching another chick do register, I was ringing up customers on my own for the most part.

At various times during the day I had to check my anxiety and make myself mentally pause and take a deep breath to refocus. I even made mistakes and didn't totally freak out over it. Everyone was really nice, though and didn't berate me for making mistakes. Even when I'd apologize they were like, "It's alright. It's your first day. You're bound to make mistakes. Everyone does." And even the customers for the most part were really friendly. Sometimes I'd apologize for it taking so long (when I'd messed up) and they'd usually smile and say it was no problem. And it was an honest smile. Then, they were really nice when I'd explain that it was my first day. One guy was saying, "yeah that can be real nervewracking, but remember, we're just people. Just remember to breathe." :) Cool, huh?

I think it also helped that I spent most of my break praying. Mostly for myself and that God would grow me through this and use me at work; that He'd take away my anxiety and that I'd keep a smile on my face even when I didn't feel like it. But, I also prayed for my roomies and our household as a whole. All in all it was a pretty good experience. But still, despite all that, there's still some anxiety in the back of my mind. I don't know if it'd be best to ignore it so as not to let it take over or acknowledge it and let myself feel it. I'm definitely gonna keep praying about it, though.

After I got off work, I realized that I'd left my bus card at home. So I had to make a withdrawl and I bought two Monster energy drinks since they were on sale (so I'd have change for the bus). I slammed the first one cuz I was soooo thirsty. Then I pretty much slammed the second one when I got home. Now my hands are shaking uncontrollably. *laughs* That's probably one reason why this post turned out much longer than I thought it would. :)

Well, I better get going. It's 6:30 and no one's home yet. I finished doing the dishes, but I think I'm gonna try to find something else to do and use up all this energy.

Hope God is blessing and encouraging you all.

dreamer

You'd think I'd learn...

to listen to my roommates. Last night was Celebrate Recovery. Earlier in the week I'd been planning on going, even told another friend that I'd see her there. But for some reason, when the actual day came around, I didn't wanna go. I told one of my roomies that and she was on my case the rest of the day saying that I should go and wanting me to give her a good reason why I didn't want to. Of course, I didn't really have a good reason other than I didn't feel like it, didn't wanna talk to anyone, and wanted a night to myself without other people around me.

I got my wish. One roomie left just as another was getting home, the roommate that was bugging me went to C.R., and then the third roommate went to a coffee shop. I chatted online for quite a bit and, when one roommate came home and wished to use the computer, I played video games until everyone else got home.

For some reason later on, I got really irritated, felt a bit depressed, anxious, etc. etc. I didn't wanna talk to my roomies cuz I was afraid they'd get an "I told you so" attitude about my not going to Celebrate Recovery that night. I went up in my room and put some music on, but it was Evanesence so not very uplifting. I then did something pretty bad. I slipped up again in the area of self-injury. I got so pissed at myself that I got in the mindset of wishing to punish myself for it...which would've led to more self-injury. I didn't punish myself, but I still feel like total crap. I have yet to tell my roomies what happened. I sent a text to the leader of the women's recovery group saying that I'd slipped up again, but didn't specify how.

I am such a moron!

dreamer

Jobless

Well, I'm professionally unemployed now. I had a second day of work at Arby's. This time I was working the drive thru window. It was going well until the lunch rush (surprise, surprise). Again I was already nervous and doing my best to go fast, but then my manager kept telling me to hurry up, which just made me more flustered and I kept making mistakes, which made him more frustrated with me.

So, the third day I went in, he asked me how I was doing. I said 'pretty good', which is the reply I usually give. He, unfortunately wanted me to elaborate on that. The day before he'd also asked how he could help me not be so nervous, so I told him that he could try not to rush me so much. He basically said that it wasn't gonna happen that way. He had me in tears not fifteen minutes after getting to work. I ended up leaving. When I got home I cried for a while, called my mom (she was pissed at the guy), called another friend, cried some more....you get the picture.

My manager called me later that day to see how things were going and he had me in tears within about five minutes. It's was mutually agreed that Arby's might not be the best place for me right now.

Now I'm looking for a job again. I have an interview at Panera Bread on Wednesday and got a call back from SuperAmerica that I need to return. I'm not really looking forward to either prospect after this whole Arby's fiasco. I was having a lot of anxiety related to that job, but now that I don't have it anymore, I'm having really bad generalized anxiety. I hate feeling this way. Because of it, the desire to go to the bar is stronger than before. Because like it or not, drinking dulls, if not totally removes, the anxiety...at least for a little while. But, I'm trying to trust God and not resort to my own solutions.

Well, that's it for now, folks.

dreamer

Ugh

So I had my first official workday at my new job. I got hired at Arby's. God is really teaching me humility through this. No offense to anyone who works fast food. I used to swear to myself that I'd never work in fast food. Well, I do. After I had my shirt tucked in and my little visor on, I looked at myself in the mirror and realized..."I look like a dork". Again, no offense to anyone who works fast food because I'm beginning to realize how difficult it is.

I got to work at 8:00am and, after the manager got there he realized he'd made a mistake and that I really didn't have to be there until 9. Alright, no big deal, I can handle that. After wiping down table and mopping, I started training on working the front counter. Only like five people came in between 9:15 or so and 11:15 when the lunch rush came in. My point is, I had the front counter machine explained to me, got to watch on a couple customers, and do it with supervision a couple times, but I was dead meat when the lunch rush came in. I was helping put together some drive thru orders and my manager asked if I knew how to do the counter. I said I had the gist of it, but when a customer came in and I had a question, he basically pushed me aside to do it himself because I wasn't fast enough. Then he politely told me I could go home for the day. And to call him tomorrow at 8am. I overheard him saying something about "what was she doing for the last hour she's been here?"

I'm trying not to take it to heart and chock it up to he was stressed with all the customers coming in and everything, but gimme a break. It was my first day and we'd only had about 5 customers before the rush started.

It wouldn't have affected me so much if I wasn't already nervous about it being my first day, learning tons of new stuff, interacting with people (not really my strongest trait right now), etc. Thankfully, I didn't start crying in front of the guy.

A couple hours after I got home I called a friend of mine. It was already understood that I'd call him so it wasn't like a "I'm upset and you need to comfort me" kinda call. He and I chatted about a few things and made sure the other was staying out of trouble. When he asked me what awesome, cool things have happened today, I made a kind of houghing sound and he says, "You don't need to sound so depressed". So, I explained the basics of what happened this morning. Thankfully, he's worked at Arby's so I got kind of a pep talk from him and he advised me that, instead of calling tomorrow, I should go in. He said I should beat the guy to the punch and ask him how I can do better and learn faster. I'm kinda reluctant to do anything than what my manager said do, but I trust this friend and it might score me some brownie points that I really do want to learn this stuff.

Ugh! I'm still a little frustrated and on edge so I'm gonna go read my bible and pray.

dreamer