Sometimes I hate the part of me that needs people. Once upon a time I was content with not being around people for any measurable length of time. I was alright with reading for hours in my room or taking hour-long walks and not caring (at least outwardly) that people I'd befriended hadn't called me for weeks. No big deal.
I'm almost back at that point again. I still vent to one particular person the bitter feeling of not having friends return my calls or emails, though. After working so hard at trusting people and opening up to them and allowing them to see the flawed me, not so much as a "hey, how ya doin'?" from them. But, like I said, I'm almost back to not outwardly caring. Of course there's going to be that little corner of my being that has begun to revert to stone. That part that can take people or leave 'em. The part that, occasionally, will swell with the almost undeniable desire to partake of human interaction and closeness with another being, but that desire will be immediately quelled.
The other day, I got a call from someone I still consider a friend and have no bitter feelings toward whatsoever. She's one of only two people that called me after I dropped off the face of the earth for four months. I didn't hear my phone right away and, before I could decided whether I wanted to answer it, the call had gone to voicemail. She'd left a message asking how I was, saying she hadn't seen me in a while, and asking if I wanted to get together with her, her husband, or both of them. It took me a good hour of going back and forth between deciding to send her an email, call her back, or just ignore it all. I ended up calling her back and setting up a hang-out date with her husband (also a good friend of mine) one night and her another night. But, there was a time when I wouldn't have taken any time at all to decide not to bother returning the message.
I haven't quite been able to suppress a desire to have everything back to where it was. Back to a time when I think I was truly happy. I had friends I hung out with on a regular basis and we had deep, meaningful conversations. I wish I knew what happened to me to change all that.
I know wishing never did anything for anyone, but I wish. I wish that I'd had a chance at a sane, somewhat "normal" life. You're probably asking yourself, "what makes her so special?" or "doesn't she know a lot of people have it worse than she does?" You're right. I'm not all that special and I know, personally in fact, people who have had it worse than I have. But, I still have the right to wish, don't I? I wish my whole life wasn't so fucking dysfunctional.
I guess it's only human to want what one can't have.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Monday, January 16, 2006
Happy birthday to me
Okay, so it's not really my birthday, but it felt like it for a while today. I'd decided a while ago to close my checking account at Wells Fargo. It's just too damn hard for me right now to keep track of one account, much less two.
Anyway, I'd been trying to find out what my balance in said account was so I didn't go into the bank wanted to close it just to be told that I have a negative balance and I better pay or I'll find the leg breakers beating down my door. Problem was, I don't know my account number off hand and I couldn't for the life of me find a phone bank number for Wells Fargo. Finally, I got the brilliant idea to use the ATM at Super America to check my balance. My mom was already going there to get gas so it was perfect. So, I'm thinking I'd have maybe fifty bucks in there. Much to my delight, it was more like two hundred and fifty! I ask my mom if we can stop at the bank and we get over there only to realize that, hey, it's MLK day and the bank isn't open. So we do the next best thing. We go to the drive-up ATM there and withdraw most of the money and resolve to come back another day to actually close the account.
I guess it's kinda sad that having two hundred bucks makes one feel rich. Unfortunately, but not suprisingly, I no longer have the whole two hundred dollars. I had to get some things at Walmart that cost me a little less than twenty bucks, but hey, that's still a lot of money I have in my wallet.
Anyway, I'd been trying to find out what my balance in said account was so I didn't go into the bank wanted to close it just to be told that I have a negative balance and I better pay or I'll find the leg breakers beating down my door. Problem was, I don't know my account number off hand and I couldn't for the life of me find a phone bank number for Wells Fargo. Finally, I got the brilliant idea to use the ATM at Super America to check my balance. My mom was already going there to get gas so it was perfect. So, I'm thinking I'd have maybe fifty bucks in there. Much to my delight, it was more like two hundred and fifty! I ask my mom if we can stop at the bank and we get over there only to realize that, hey, it's MLK day and the bank isn't open. So we do the next best thing. We go to the drive-up ATM there and withdraw most of the money and resolve to come back another day to actually close the account.
I guess it's kinda sad that having two hundred bucks makes one feel rich. Unfortunately, but not suprisingly, I no longer have the whole two hundred dollars. I had to get some things at Walmart that cost me a little less than twenty bucks, but hey, that's still a lot of money I have in my wallet.
Friday, January 13, 2006
In the presence of royalty
Well not really, but close. I was out at Michaels craft store with my mom yesterday. She and I have got it into our heads that we're going to make and sell hemp jewelry. I've been making it for years and finally got my mom hooked on it. Her church has a craft fair type deal every year so that's what we're looking at. Hey, who knows, if I can make enough money and get enough orders, I may never have to work again. Mwa ha ha ha. Take that corporate america!
Um...where was I? Oh yes, royalty at Michaels. Mom and I had just checked out and were standing at the door so she could put her coat on or something and I just then noticed the woman who'd been behind me in line. None other than a woman named Kathy Darling. Her husband Mark is pastor of the church I used to go to. You know how married people tend to resemble each other after a while? Well, it's the same with them. Their hair is kinda cut the same (except Kathy's isn't all that spiky) and I swear she was wearing the same coat Mark wears.
Anyway, after she paid for her purchases, just to be sure, I asked if she was Kathy Darling. She responded in the affirmative and I introduced myself and said I go to the Rock. I then introduced my mom to her. After that, we both got a "now what?" look on our face. We kind of awkwardly said goodbye and as she left I asked her to say hi to Mark for me.
I know pastors and their wives/family are just as human as the rest of us, but still. I felt awkward and socially inept when speaking to her. My palms were sweaty and it felt like I had little creatures trying to erupt from my stomach. Also, it seemed that my tongue had swollen to three times its normal size so that I was unable to form words correctly.
She also deigned to shake my right hand. I don't think I'll ever wash it. I actually will because otherwise it would be quite unsanitary, but you get my drift.
Um...where was I? Oh yes, royalty at Michaels. Mom and I had just checked out and were standing at the door so she could put her coat on or something and I just then noticed the woman who'd been behind me in line. None other than a woman named Kathy Darling. Her husband Mark is pastor of the church I used to go to. You know how married people tend to resemble each other after a while? Well, it's the same with them. Their hair is kinda cut the same (except Kathy's isn't all that spiky) and I swear she was wearing the same coat Mark wears.
Anyway, after she paid for her purchases, just to be sure, I asked if she was Kathy Darling. She responded in the affirmative and I introduced myself and said I go to the Rock. I then introduced my mom to her. After that, we both got a "now what?" look on our face. We kind of awkwardly said goodbye and as she left I asked her to say hi to Mark for me.
I know pastors and their wives/family are just as human as the rest of us, but still. I felt awkward and socially inept when speaking to her. My palms were sweaty and it felt like I had little creatures trying to erupt from my stomach. Also, it seemed that my tongue had swollen to three times its normal size so that I was unable to form words correctly.
She also deigned to shake my right hand. I don't think I'll ever wash it. I actually will because otherwise it would be quite unsanitary, but you get my drift.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
I LOVE MY BROTHER!!!
I bought a new tv and vcr/dvd player yesterday for mine and my brother's room so I could hook up my xbox to it since there weren't any more plug-ins on the one in the livingroom. Well, to be completely accurate, my mom bought it and I'm paying her back half since I paid for most of her new computer desk.
We had gotten the computer desk on Thursday and stayed up until 2am putting the damn thing together. It was actually kinda fun except for the staying up WAY too late part. Plus, we started so late that we'd only gotten the desk part together so we decided to wait until later on Friday to put the top part of the desk on. Y'know, you got the actual desk and then an upright attachment that has some shelves and stuff.
So anyway, it's like 9:00 before we finished with that (got started late again) and I head off to our room (mine and my brother's) to rip the box off the tv and hook up it, the dvd/vcr, and my xbox. Well, I couldn't understand how to do it. There were a couple more cords than I'm used to having so I called my mom in to help. We spent like 45 minutes in there trying to figure the darn thing out and we still couldn't get it. Finally we had my brother call our dad to see if he could come over today and hook it up.
He didn't answer the phone so my brother left a message. I wouldn't say I was in a funk the rest of the night, but I was seriously bummed.
1. I wanted so bad to play my xbox, due to the fact that I'd gotten three new games (one of which is Halo 2)
And...
2. I was 98% sure dad wasn't gonna call anytime soon.
My mom and I ended up watching the moving Mr. & Mrs. Smith (funny movie) which lasted until about 1:30am or so. After that, I went to bed.
This morning... I was on the computer checking email and blogs and such when my brother got up.
Him: Morning
Me: Morning
He goes back in our room. And a few minutes later...
Him: You better hug me!!
Me: What?
Him: I fixed it
Me: What?
Him: Your xbox, I hooked it up
Me: WHAT?!?!?
Him: Come here
So I follow him into the room and there on the tv is the opening screen when you turn on my xbox after it's been unplugged. What the crap! He said all he did was plug the audio/video from the vcr into the back of the tv instead of the front. What the crap!! I coulda swore that my mom and I did that last night. He suggested I write about it on my blog so that's what I'm doing. And now, I'm off to play Scaler and liquify my brain.
We had gotten the computer desk on Thursday and stayed up until 2am putting the damn thing together. It was actually kinda fun except for the staying up WAY too late part. Plus, we started so late that we'd only gotten the desk part together so we decided to wait until later on Friday to put the top part of the desk on. Y'know, you got the actual desk and then an upright attachment that has some shelves and stuff.
So anyway, it's like 9:00 before we finished with that (got started late again) and I head off to our room (mine and my brother's) to rip the box off the tv and hook up it, the dvd/vcr, and my xbox. Well, I couldn't understand how to do it. There were a couple more cords than I'm used to having so I called my mom in to help. We spent like 45 minutes in there trying to figure the darn thing out and we still couldn't get it. Finally we had my brother call our dad to see if he could come over today and hook it up.
He didn't answer the phone so my brother left a message. I wouldn't say I was in a funk the rest of the night, but I was seriously bummed.
1. I wanted so bad to play my xbox, due to the fact that I'd gotten three new games (one of which is Halo 2)
And...
2. I was 98% sure dad wasn't gonna call anytime soon.
My mom and I ended up watching the moving Mr. & Mrs. Smith (funny movie) which lasted until about 1:30am or so. After that, I went to bed.
This morning... I was on the computer checking email and blogs and such when my brother got up.
Him: Morning
Me: Morning
He goes back in our room. And a few minutes later...
Him: You better hug me!!
Me: What?
Him: I fixed it
Me: What?
Him: Your xbox, I hooked it up
Me: WHAT?!?!?
Him: Come here
So I follow him into the room and there on the tv is the opening screen when you turn on my xbox after it's been unplugged. What the crap! He said all he did was plug the audio/video from the vcr into the back of the tv instead of the front. What the crap!! I coulda swore that my mom and I did that last night. He suggested I write about it on my blog so that's what I'm doing. And now, I'm off to play Scaler and liquify my brain.
Sunday, January 01, 2006
Another year
Last night was nothing special for me. I mean, it wasn't horrible, but it wasn't "all that". My mom, brother, and I were invited to a friend's house for a little soiree. They had the best chili cheese dip that I've ever tasted. OH...MY...GOD!! It was so fantastic. I think I had like three helpings of it. There was also guacamoli dip, veggies and dip, french onion dip for potato chips, brownies, cookies, apple crisp, and cocktail weenies. All in all, fairly good.
It was the three of us, the family of seven whose house it was, the boyfriend of their oldest daughter, and four other people from their church. Not enormously crowded, but I did have a small little freak out. I haven't had one like that in a while. Part of me wanted to be there, but another part of me wanted to get the hell out of there and go home where it's nice and quiet and there's only two other people I have to deal with. Have I mentioned before that I'm not really a people person?
Anyway, it was basically just chatting and hanging out. We had to leave early cuz my mom had to work this morning so we didn't get to see the ball drop. Also, the oldest daughter and her boyfriend went out to rent Cinderella Man for everyone to watch until it got closer to midnight, but it would've been harder to leave if we'd waited until after the movie started. So, we didn't get to see that either.
However, Matthew and I did stay up until midnight playing video games. And, you wanna know something cool? I slept all the way through the night last night, woke up at a decent time, and didn't end up going back to sleep even though I'm uber tired! I've probably stated in some earlier post that I'm an insomniac. If I haven't, then I apologize profusely. Night before last, I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30am and then woke up at 8:00am. Granted, last night I took my sleeping meds, but the other night I couldn't cuz by the time I realized I wasn't going to fall asleep, it was too late to take anything. If I had, I would've slept 'til about three in the afternoon. Not good.
Well, I suppose I could use rest of this post to highlight things from '05 that were really significant to me, but I won't bore you, or myself, with all that drivel.
Peace out
It was the three of us, the family of seven whose house it was, the boyfriend of their oldest daughter, and four other people from their church. Not enormously crowded, but I did have a small little freak out. I haven't had one like that in a while. Part of me wanted to be there, but another part of me wanted to get the hell out of there and go home where it's nice and quiet and there's only two other people I have to deal with. Have I mentioned before that I'm not really a people person?
Anyway, it was basically just chatting and hanging out. We had to leave early cuz my mom had to work this morning so we didn't get to see the ball drop. Also, the oldest daughter and her boyfriend went out to rent Cinderella Man for everyone to watch until it got closer to midnight, but it would've been harder to leave if we'd waited until after the movie started. So, we didn't get to see that either.
However, Matthew and I did stay up until midnight playing video games. And, you wanna know something cool? I slept all the way through the night last night, woke up at a decent time, and didn't end up going back to sleep even though I'm uber tired! I've probably stated in some earlier post that I'm an insomniac. If I haven't, then I apologize profusely. Night before last, I didn't fall asleep until about 4:30am and then woke up at 8:00am. Granted, last night I took my sleeping meds, but the other night I couldn't cuz by the time I realized I wasn't going to fall asleep, it was too late to take anything. If I had, I would've slept 'til about three in the afternoon. Not good.
Well, I suppose I could use rest of this post to highlight things from '05 that were really significant to me, but I won't bore you, or myself, with all that drivel.
Peace out
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