My weekend

Okay, so this past weekend was, without a doubt, the weirdest in a while. My mother and brother went to Illinois Thursday through Sunday with their church's performing arts group and my sister went to her friend's house from Friday to Sunday. So, it was just my dad and I for most of the weekend. I'll explain the 'most' part in a second.

So, friday afternoon my dad decides to go to Taco Bell for dinner with a quick stop at the liquor store and grocery store. So Friday night is spent eating burritos, watching movies, and drinking screwdrivers and whiskey sours (that my dad made for me). He went to bed at about 11:30, but for some reason I was way too paranoid to sleep.

But I digress. Every time I'd doze off, some tiny little sound would jerk me awake in a panic. I ended up playing on the computer til about 5am after which I decided to become ten years old again and I fell asleep, exhausted, with the covers pulled over my head.

Saturday was pretty uneventful. I talked to a few friends on the phone for a while, but that was about it.

So, Sunday. I wake up at 8am even though I set my alarm to not wake me up until 9. I get up anyway, though. Another friend of mine had invited me to spend Easter with her family and she was planning to pick me up at 10:30. Now, she actually warned me in advance that she'd be late, cuz she "always is". But, she didn't end up leaving her home to come get me until 11:15 roughly. Yeah....okay....I can deal with that.

So anyway, we have a veritable feast at her parent's place. Turkey, homemade buttermilk biscuits, homemade cherry and apricot jam, honey (not store bought), homemade gravy, homemade mashed potatoes, homemade cranberry sauce, and for dessert, homemade chocolate cheesecake. I mean sheesh! I haven't eaten that good or that much in a LONG time. I told everyone that I was gonna move in there if they'd promise to keep feeding me like that. They had also invited another family over. It was the mom, the dad, a teenage daughter, and then little twin girls (I'd say about 9 years old or so).

After lunch we all watched a movie and then I, my friend, and her little 11 year old sister (completely adorable) went out for a walk. They showed me around the farm and such. They grow tomatoes, raspberries, strawberries, grapes (for wine), have cherry trees, have chickens... I mean WOW! They also get their maple syrup from another farm near there. It was pretty cool.

While my friend's dad changed her oil, me and her little sister shot some hoops and then we went in and watched Shark Tale. I've seen it about ten times, but it never gets old and it's always fun to watch movies with other people.

We left there at around 7:30 I think and, on the way home, got invited to another person's house to watch The Incredibles with him and his roommate. It was so much fun.

So, all in all Sunday was my best day. I left at around 11:45 that morning and didn't get back home until 2:00am Monday morning. Yay!!

dreamer

Easter

HAPPY DEAD BUNNY DAY, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!

been a while

So...um...yeah. I'm not sure what to put here. I have yet to quiet the noise in my head to a level acceptable enough to write something coherent.

I try playing music really loud. It helps, but not for long. I try reading, but the noise is so loud I can't comprehend the author's words. Watching a movie works for only as long as the movie is playing. Silence is the worst. That's when the sound of nothing has free rein; nothing to drown it out.

All this white noise in my head is driving me, if possible, even more insane than I already am.

dreamer

Personality disorder test

I got this off of a website a friend gave me. It's kinda interesting. Mostly accurate although a couple things I'd debate.

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv

Paranoid: High

Schizoid: Moderate

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: Low

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: High

Narcissistic: Moderate

Avoidant: Very High

Dependent: High

Obsessive-Compulsive: High

This chick is pretty screwed up, huh? Hehe...I guess as long as I don't let my psychosis define who I am, right?

dreamer

For the women

WHY PUPPIES ARE BETTER THAN BOYFRIENDS!

1. Puppies won't ask you if it's the best puppy you've ever had.

2. A puppy always comes to you when you call it.

3. If you show affection for a puppy, it returns it with no strings attached.

4. All you need to do for a puppy to love you forever is feed it and not beat it with heavy blunt objects.

5. Puppies love you unconditionally.

6. It's OK if your PUPPY gets fleas from another puppy.

7. You can put a puppy on a leash and snap it back if it tries to sniff other puppies.

8. Your puppy will never leave you for your roommate, best friend, or someone with bigger breasts / more money / better looks / a better body / etc.

9. Puppies urinating in the front lawn is normal.

10. Puppies don't "bite the hand that feeds them."

11. Puppies are easier to train to do simple tasks.

12. A puppy never conspires with other puppies to play with your mind.

13. Puppies never leave en masse to check out puppies in the other room.

14. A puppy won't give you a lot of backtalk for no apparent reason.

15. You can train your puppy to do tricks--like play dead "all day."

16. If you have a neighbor you don't like, you won't be as embarrassed if your Puppy poops all over his lawn.

17. Puppies don't even pretend to know how to fix whatever they break.

18. Puppies won't get jealous of all of your male friends.

19. Neutering your boyfriend, as practical as it may seem, is harder to justify.

20. A Puppy's face in the toilet bowl is less alarming.

21. Puppies don't leave the toilet seat up.

22. Puppies don't have to show other puppies that it's "the puppy of its house."

23. Puppies attract men; boyfriends drive them away.

24. Puppies don't do dishes, but at least they attempt to lick their own plate clean.

25. Puppies won't ask "Why don't you look like THAT?" when watching TV.

26. Puppies actually look attractive with a full body of hair.

27. Puppies don't mind staying home with the kids.

28. Because puppies can't read maps; they have a GOOD excuse for getting lost.

29. Puppies don't have double-standards.

30. There's no such thing as an EX-puppy

Shameless, I know. So sue me.

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday to me!

Happy birthday dear Nikki!

Happy birthday to me!

Yay!! 21 years old and still kickin'!

Now, where's the nearest bar? ;-)

Don't wanna

For most of the weekend I was thinking about posting on here. I kinda wanted to, but kinda didn't. Now that I'm here, I feel like just posting some trivial, surfacy crap about the weekend and just leave at that.

I had a pretty bad weekend by the way. I know that not writing about it on here won't make the pain go away. It may not even make it any less. But, since I don't have anything better to do right now, I'll let you all in on what's going on. I'm not gonna go into too much detail in order to protect the privacy of the other parties involved, but hopefully you'll get the gist of it.

Okay so Friday night was a little rough. Went to church and pretty soon after the sermon started I felt the dire need to get out of there. A wave of, I guess you could call it depression, hit me all at once, I started comparing myself to everyone, blah blah blah. Pretty soon all I could think about was carving on myself. I mentioned in a previous post about an affinity for sharp objects. That isn't the subject of this particular post so I still won't get into explaining all that, yet.

Saturday I talk to a guy friend that I've known for a long time and have had strong feelings for during the majority of the time I've known him. I find out he went on a date with a female friend of mine who knew of the depth of my feelings for this guy. Whether she conveniently forgot that fact is in question.

It feels like there's this big gaping wound where my heart used to be.

So anyway, she doesn't let me know beforehand that this date is gonna happen, which I've been told is a violation of some girl code. So, now, even though I still care about this girl, I'm feeling somewhat betrayed and am struggling with forgiveness.

I can't really explain how deeply I care for this guy and all I want is for him to be happy. That's why, despite all this hurt, I'm praying for these two friends of mine. I remember a while ago praying that God would bless this guy's life and bring him the best woman for him to marry, even if that woman wasn't me. I guess we'll see if I really meant that.

But...um...yeah. This episode has me wanting to throw in the towel as far as my recovery is concerned. I know that no guy is worth cutting over, but this isn't just another guy to me. I'm trying to throw myself back into concentrating on moving, getting a job, praying for friends, reconnecting with people, etc. But it's so damn hard!

Okay, I'm done being pathetic (at least for like ten minutes or so).

dreamer

You'd think I'd learn

Well, I spent the time from about 7:00pm last night til about 3:30am this morning watching 5 horror movies, one right after the other. My parental units are out of town this week so, in keeping with his lax standards, my dad rented my sister and I some movies that my mother would die before she'd let in this apartment. You might be thinking that it's not a very good thing that I ask for things from dad that mom wouldn't allow. Maybe you're right. But, that's how it's always been.

When we were out to get the movies, we also stopped at Rainbow to get icecream. I wanted mountain dew and saw that they had 2 liters on sale 5 for $5. Now 2 liters are normally about a buck a piece anyway, but I don't care. I got two regular dews and two code reds. Yummy!

So anyway, the first movie watched was The Grudge. Pretty cool, albeit a bit confusing at first with all the jumps back in time explaining things. My sister, trying to sound smart again, said that's usually how japanese films are; they explain as they go rather than at the end. This movie was watched amid eating dominoes pizza and we had to pause it so dad could answer the door when the pizza came and a couple times so he could go get his clothes (he was doing laundry in preparation for leaving to drive a charter to Michigan for the weekend). The movie was pretty creepy, but with all the afore mentioned things it wasn't too bad. It also had a lot of really stupid moves by the characters (like actually going to investigateg the weird noises in the attic) that made it a bit hilarious.

The rest of the movies were The Saw, Fear of the Dark (not bad), Wrong Turn (gory), and 28 Days Later (saw it already, but my sister hadn't). You think I'd learn not to freak the crap outta myself by watching scary movies. I started watching horror movies at about age 3 thanks to dear old dad (yeah I remember that far back). I remember growing up scared of the dark, looking into mirrors, the basement, toys that come alive, blah blah blah. Yet, I kept watching. A lot of it was probably not wanting to appear weak around my sister by being scared, but it also might've been a bit of seeing how much I could take; seeing what they would have to come up with to make my stomach turn a bit. Not much does it anymore. The last time was watching Ghost Ship. Within the first ten minutes they killed about thirty or more people. And it was by no means instantaneous for everyone. I won't go into detail, though, for those of you with weak stomachs.

Funny side note...my sister got scared of Jurassic Park. She woke me up in the middle of the night cuz she was convinced that there was a Delophosaurus (sp?) under her bed. Y'know the carnivore that spits that venom stuff that blinds and paralyzes you. She then thought she saw a shadow move in the hall and had me shine a light out there.

So anyway, apparently I haven't had enough of checking over my shoulder and dozing off with the lights on only to be jolted awake at the very slightest sound. I mean it's bad enough dealing with natural paranoia without adding to it by watching all these horror movies. Maybe one day I'll learn. Maybe.

dreamer

p.s I haven't been to sleep yet since about 6am yesterday morning.

It feels like the weekend

There are those rare moments when it feels like the weekend right smack dab in the middle of the week. I cherish those times. The reason being, the official weekend is still ahead. Yay! I probably feel this way cuz I went to Celebrate Recovery last night and saw quite a few people that I only see on Friday nights.

As to C.R., I hadn't expected to share anything. I was just gonna sit there and evaluate the situation, like I always do, before I open up. Doing that minimizes any potential harm from threats that may exist. You might be thinking that I'm paranoid...and maybe I am a little, but you don't get where I am without being cautious of how much people know after first meeting you. Aparently, there wasn't too much of a threat there cuz I told a lot. Not all mind you, but a lot. I think it was cuz another girl in the group shared a particulary personal struggle, one I myself have dealt with on a daily basis since about 8 years old. That, my friends, would be an affinity for sharp objects. For those who don't see what I'm getting at, it's called self-harm, self-injury, self-mutilation, blah blah blah. But, I won't go into that yet.

So, yeah, the weekend. My mom and brother just left for a weekend in Canada. They're in a performing arts group called Messengers at their church. Thus far they've only performed here in the cities; their church, Coon Rapids, and a couple other smaller churches. But this year they're going to Canada, Illinois, and Colorado, as well and a couple here. I must admit that I'm a little jealous, seeing as how I've been out of state once and never out of the country, but it's cool. I'm only 20. I'm sure I'll have my chance.

Speaking of being 20...I won't be for long. My 21st birthday is now less than a week away. Okay it's 6 days, but that's still less than a week. :) Yippeeee!!!

dreamer