Finally

Okay, so I know I haven't posted in a while. I know it's actually only been about two weeks, but it feels a LOT longer.

I've been doing this Celebrate Recovery thing for a while now. Wednesday nights isn't too big of a deal for me. By that I mean I don't have too much of a freak out before or afterward. I don't mind sharing. I even don't mind crying there a whole lot. But Saturday step group is a different story.

So, I don't recall if I've posted much on this before, but Wednesday night is more of a time to tell people how your week has been going and it's a bit more laid back. There's a time of worship music first, then a speaker (either testimony or a talk on a part of whatever step we're on), then we break up into guys and girls and have our tiny groups. But on Saturday is when we dig into each of the twelve steps. The workbooks we're going through have like three different lessons for each step and three steps to a book. There's usually about 6-10 questions for each lesson.

This past Saturday, about midway through the lesson, I started feeling pretty anxious about all the honest sharing that was going on. Not that I had a problem with anyone else, but it was more of a case of me not wanting to deal with my own stuff.

We finished group with each of us praying about our own recovery. I prayed that I wouldn't run and that God would give me the strength to face all this again. Y'see, I started Celebrate Recovery, but dropped it after step 5. So now, I get to do this all over again. :) Boy, I can't wait!

So, yeah. By Saturday evening I was just overwhelmed by anxiety. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to cry my eyes out or punch someone. I mean, that in and of itself isn't a brand new experience for me, but hey. Honestly, I don't wanna do this. I ranted to a friend on the phone for about a half hour, alternately crying uncontrollably and cursing a blue streak...and sometimes doing both at once (trust me, not a pretty sight). I'm scared and hurting and feeling very alone.

But through all this, as much as I don't wanna acknowledge it, God has my back. I left a voicemail message for another friend, mid freak-out Saturday night. When she returned my message she said a lot that comforted me, but nothing more important that "God is close to the brokenhearted". I can still feel emotion well up in my throat when I think about that. Maybe, if I can just hold onto that...that God is close to me in my brokenheartedness (is that a word?), maybe...just maybe...I can get through this.

dreamer