Don't wanna

For most of the weekend I was thinking about posting on here. I kinda wanted to, but kinda didn't. Now that I'm here, I feel like just posting some trivial, surfacy crap about the weekend and just leave at that.

I had a pretty bad weekend by the way. I know that not writing about it on here won't make the pain go away. It may not even make it any less. But, since I don't have anything better to do right now, I'll let you all in on what's going on. I'm not gonna go into too much detail in order to protect the privacy of the other parties involved, but hopefully you'll get the gist of it.

Okay so Friday night was a little rough. Went to church and pretty soon after the sermon started I felt the dire need to get out of there. A wave of, I guess you could call it depression, hit me all at once, I started comparing myself to everyone, blah blah blah. Pretty soon all I could think about was carving on myself. I mentioned in a previous post about an affinity for sharp objects. That isn't the subject of this particular post so I still won't get into explaining all that, yet.

Saturday I talk to a guy friend that I've known for a long time and have had strong feelings for during the majority of the time I've known him. I find out he went on a date with a female friend of mine who knew of the depth of my feelings for this guy. Whether she conveniently forgot that fact is in question.

It feels like there's this big gaping wound where my heart used to be.

So anyway, she doesn't let me know beforehand that this date is gonna happen, which I've been told is a violation of some girl code. So, now, even though I still care about this girl, I'm feeling somewhat betrayed and am struggling with forgiveness.

I can't really explain how deeply I care for this guy and all I want is for him to be happy. That's why, despite all this hurt, I'm praying for these two friends of mine. I remember a while ago praying that God would bless this guy's life and bring him the best woman for him to marry, even if that woman wasn't me. I guess we'll see if I really meant that.

But...um...yeah. This episode has me wanting to throw in the towel as far as my recovery is concerned. I know that no guy is worth cutting over, but this isn't just another guy to me. I'm trying to throw myself back into concentrating on moving, getting a job, praying for friends, reconnecting with people, etc. But it's so damn hard!

Okay, I'm done being pathetic (at least for like ten minutes or so).

dreamer