I'm not dead...

At least I don't think I am. I know it's been a long time since I last posted, but there's been a lot going on. I moved yet again and at present am working out of town again. It's the same job i was doing when I first started this blog. I know people have been telling me that I need to work somewhere other than SuperAmerica and actually use my creativity, but I'd much rather be doing that in the cities than all the way out in stickville. Right now, I'm at home, but I go back later this evening.

Anyways, I've been dealing with a lot of crap and one major thing right now is summed up by the following song lyrics...

Artist: Kelly Clarkson
Album: Breakaway
Title: Behind These Hazel Eyes

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on

Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
'Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on


When I moved this last time, one of my ex roommates told my best friend her side of the situation surrounding my abrupt departure from that household. The next time I saw him, he kinda got on my case about it without even asking me for my side of things. That hurt. Just because they'd recently dated for a few months, he took her side instead of listening to me; the friend he'd had for over 4 years. I didn't think of this as too big of a deal until I recently saw him (after about three months of no contact; not for lack of trying on my part, though) . As I was leaving, the above song came on the radio and it hit me like two tons of bricks. I wanted to cry. In fact, I started to, but then I just got angry and hurt.

I know some people say time travel is impossible, but I disagree. Because I feel as if I've been transported back over 4 years. I haven't been to church in over three months, I've started to lose the ease of letting go and letting myself cry, I'm more cyinical, I'm back to cutting a lot, and I've been a little more depressed and suicidal lately. The sad part is, in all this time, only one person has called me to see how I've been and wants to get together with me. It's a little disappointing, but I can't say I'm all that surprised. (That's cynicism right there, people.)

Anyway, I'm done ranting and complaining right now.

dreamer