Wow, congratulations to me. I didn't post for a whole two days. *pats self on the back* I guess I can't take all the credit, though. Some due is to be paid to my kidney stone. Yep, that's right, 20 years old (21 in a week and a half) and already getting kidney stones. It felt like someone was filleting my kidney. Although, the pain of this one wasn't that bad thanks to the lovely drug percoset (legally prescribed for me by a doctor). However, the first time, HOLY CRAP!! Those that know me well know that I have a high pain tolerance. But, the pain of that first stone had me leaning up against the wall deep breathing one moment and then doubled over on the floor crying the next. Thankfully, I got in to see the doctor about three hours after it started (woke up at 5:15 with the pain). I never wanna experience pain that bad EVER again.

So...um...yeah.

dreamer

Another day

So today was pretty laid back (in other words...boring as hell!) Well, technically I suppose hell wouldn't be boring. But I digress.

Spent most of the day reading blogs again. Peter you are one disturbed individual. You go boy!! I watched a seriously disturbing movie with Dennis Hopper in it. It's called Spreading Ground and I got it for $3.00 at Wal-Mart. Now, I've heard a lot of people say how Wal-Mart is a tool of the Devil, but I for one love it there. I've tried to get a job there on numerous occasions but apparently am not evil enough for the job.

So this movie...Dennis Hopper is a detective and he's supposed to find this serial killer. Also, the mayor makes a deal with the mob to also try and find this guy and make sure there isn't a trial. So the detective has to find the killer before the mob does. It starts out with 5 dead girls being found in various bodies of water. All in all I think the guy kills like 7 or 8 girls. His reason being that, in his demented little world, he's freeing them from pain and loss of innocence. See, when he was a little boy, his wheelchair bound sister was being molested by their dad. The way he helped her was wheeling her out to their dock (he looked about 10) and pushing her, wheelchair and all, into the river. All in all, like I said, disturbing movie.

I read some more blog posts to get some semblance of normality back into my brain. *grinz* Guess I shouldn't have read Peter's blog again.

For dinner my family and I went to New China Buffet where I ate until I hurt. You think after 20 years I'd learn to be more careful...but their eggrolls are to die for. Yummy! Anyway, after that I went to Game Stop which is almost right next door. I let my little brother con me into buying him Luigi's Mansion for GameCube as an early birthday present (his birthday is in July). I seriously have a hard time saying no to that boy. He's so adorable. As soon as I figure out how, I'll post a pic of him on here. I also bought Chronicles of Riddick Escape from Butcher Bay on XBox for me.

When I got home, I collapsed on the floor from too many eggrolls and too much visual stimulation in Game Stop. My body couldn't handle it all and just shut down. Thankfully I was out of the way for the most part so my family didn't have to do too much stepping over me. When I awoke, it was only 9:30pm. My brother, of course, was playing his new video game and my older sister was watching. I decided to try out my new game, planning on playing it til the wee hours of the morning.

I wouldn't really define myself as a gamer or video game junkie. Yeah, I play quite a bit, mostly cuz I don't have a job and am moving in about a month so it'd be pointless to try and get a job here. I do guzzle mountain dew if given the chance and have been known to eat cheetos despite the complete lack of nutritional value. However I don't really feel at all awkward around the opposite gender and don't stay up til 5 am because I just have to beat "corny game title" or my intestines will burst from my abdomen and I'll drown in a puddle of my own vomit and blood.

Anyway, so I got a good ways into the game and after slitting throats and snapping a few necks I was down in the bowels of the prison on my way to escape. Now, of course, nothing good can survive in utter darkness where nothing enters except really bad cons when they get outta line. So, when I get thrown in "the pit" (actually Riddick tackles a guard, using him to break his fall) I get a message that the light on my rifle was damaged in the fall and will shut off in six minutes...go figure. So I start toolin' along...round a corner...and BAM!! I run right into a creature I assume used to be a prisoner. It walks/shuffles kinda like Quasimodo when he's constipated...and they probably sound about the same, too. Now, I'm ashamed to say, but I freaked and aparently shrieked cuz my mother ran into the room and asked what was wrong. I'm truly not that easy to scare, but just wasn't expecting something like that so soon.

Sufficed to say, I decided that I'll wait til it's a bit more light out to play some more. I have freaky enough dreams as it is.

dreamer

Who I am

Thanks KG...fairly insightful. But then again, I always knew I was genius prone. *grinz* Yeah right.

Overall:
Melancholy:13
Phlegmatic:20
Sanguine:2
Choleric:5

Strengths:
Melancholy:8
Phlegmatic:8
Sanguine:1
Choleric:3

Weakneses:
Melancholy:5
Phlegmatic:12
Sanguine:1
Choleric:2

The Melancholy:
Deep and thoughtfully
Analytical
Serious and purposeful
Genius prone
Talented and creative
Artistic or musical
Philosophical and poetic
Appreciative of beauty
Sensitive to others
Self-sacrificing
Conscientious
Idealistic

Melancholy as a friend:
Makes friends cautiously
Content to stay in background
Avoids causing attention
Faithful and devoted
Will listen to complaints
Can solve other's problems
Deep concern for other people
Moved to tears with compassion
Seeks ideal mate (yeah right)

The Phlegmatic:
Low-key personality
Easygoing and relaxed
Calm, cool and collected
Patient well balanced
Consistent life
Quiet but witty
Sympathetic and kind
Keeps emotions hidden
Happily reconciled to life
All-purpose person

The Phlegmatic as a friend:
Easy to get along with
Pleasant and enjoyable
Inoffensive
Good listener
Dry sense of humor
Enjoys watching people
Has many friends
Has compassion and concern

How'd they know?

I didn't get this off a blog that doesn't exist. If you go to this website, it'll tell you what job you're supposed to have.

They knew I was a trained assassin. Not even my own mother knows that! Guess I better watch my back.

http://www.jobpredictor.com

dreamer

Romans 7:15,18-19, 24

Okay, first I barely post at all, now I'm like obsessively posting.

Anyway, I finally read more that like five verses in my bible this morning. I read a whole chapter. I like pretty much anything Paul writes cuz I feel like he and I have a lot in common. Except, he's a guy, he was a disciple, he understood God a little better than I do I think....but besides all that, we're practically the same person. teehee

So, Romans 7:15, 18-19, 24
15 I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
18-19 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.
24 Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?

This has been going through my mind for a long while. Particularly verse 24. I couldn't remember where in the bible it was, just that Paul had written it.

My friend Dave and I recently had a pretty intense conversation...like any of our conversations aren't intense. Dave, by the way, is the friend that wanted me to end the relationship with that guy. So, in our conversation he was saying that he was thankful that I seemed to have the hard part down; that I wasn't like the people who say 'thank God I'm not like them!' I admit, sometime I do that, but then I remember how wretched I am. I don't have any gradiose visions of myself and my worth apart from Christ. But, here's the problem with this...

Sometiems I get so caught up in the "wretched 'man' that I am! Who will save me" part that I forget what comes next...verse 25 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.

I was gonna just leave it at the first sentence, but maybe I can bumble my way through figuring out what the next part means. I'm already counted righteous cuz God looks at me through the perfectness of Jesus. In my flesh I'm far from righteous, though. The verses in between the ones I included talk about that since I do what I don't want to do, I agree that the law is good. In my mind, I do know that the law is good and that what I do is wrong according to that law. So, in my mind I serve the law of God (what God says is right and wrong), but in my flesh I serve the law of sin (what my body says is right and wrong).

I have a natural tendency to want to go according to what my body says is right. i.e. what feels good is right and what feels bad is wrong. Unfortunately that tends to get me in a bit of trouble and I'm worse off after I've had my 'fun'.

I dunno. Seemed I was going good for a minute there. This is just a bit of my uneducated interpretation, but maybe I'm just talkin' out of my rear.

dreamer

Can't sleep

It's almost 1 am and I can't sleep. Not surprised. I'm an insomniac. I usually take medication for it, but for a while didn't really need it. But, with all that's gone one lately and what with reading tons of posts on friend's blogs, my brain is all a jumble.

(name has been starred out for privacy's sake)

>I am afraid that if I talk about my heart or my dreams or my fears that I will be rejected. That >you wont like "that" ******. Insecurities are funny that way. But who am I really writing for? >Who am I afraid of? The truth is I need to write like I need to breathe. I need an outlet, a place >to express and explore what I am feeling and seeing. I think sometimes I may have to write >what is on my heart if it it doesn't tell the best story. I am learning that I don't need to write so >that you understand me, I need to write so that I understand myself....

This was written in a post by a friend I haven't seen in a long time...years. It seems as though, for the time being, other people are able to say for me what I can't figure out to say for myself. Earlier in her post, this friend described how she loved to write; used it as an outlet. That was me in highschool. I'd write and write until my wrist ached and I could barely hold the pencil. I had notebooks full of disjointed paragraphs and half finished thoughts. I could hardly hold a thought in my head long enough to write it down sometimes.

But, since I left highschool (and got on anti depressants and mood stabilizers) it seems that creativeness has left. I'm hoping this blog will help me rediscover that.

If you read that post excerpt again, you can maybe understand part of the reason I haven't given my blog address to any of my friends. A couple of them know my past better than my own mother, but there's still that fear that the inner workings of my mind will freak them out. Hell, it freaks me out sometimes.

But, I'm not posting to please anyone. I have a fear that people will leave, but it's not like that'd be something new. I need to write in order to get some of this junk out of my brain and maybe find out that it's not so insane. I suppose, if she, my friend, can write out what she has for all her friends to see, then I can try and be as brave and do the same.

dreamer